From Prophecy to Atheism: A Personal Confession

Peace and blessings. Since I saw that you have a study connection with Rabbi Kook and Rabbi Hanazir, I decided to bring here with your permission (for the first time in public) a personal story of my life. I had my doubts. But since our days are short and who knows what a child will be like in a day, I said I’m done sharing a little. Especially since they don’t know who I am. I’ll mention before that I was advised to write a book about what I went through. But right now I don’t see that happening in practice.
Since childhood, I have experienced reality sensoryally, apparently differently. On a deeper and more religious level. My connection to nature was wonderful. Nature is clear to you. I would talk about nature with friends in such a way that only years later, when a friend took LSD, did he say he understood what I was saying in those days. My connection with the \’ was from childhood in solitude. The decisive part of my story is that I have been going through prophecies since childhood. Whether it is hidden, meaningless, or future visions.
As a child, I probably saw a chariot event – wheels and centers of fire all over Mount Meron with a gust of wind I had never experienced in my entire life. I knew how to say in kindergarten about my father who was alive that he had passed away, even though I didn’t know what the word meant and that’s what happened. I would wander around thinking about a vision I had of myself resting on a stone rock, many years before I knew there was such a concept of incarnation in the Gate of Incarnations to the ARI. I knew that everything was water, before I saw any reference to it in sources such as The Whole Earth Deafened the \’ as Water to the Sea. At the age of 14, 12 years ago, the time I repented, I would speak of the future. Years later, they would come to me with trepidation because they had happened. I would be alone for months with uplifting songs and tears that never stopped. I had a mystical union with the Shekhina. These are mystical feelings that I will never know how to transcribe. It came to me twice. In intensities of light that I did not see outside or in waves of light within light that spread in the room and you go and rise towards it with love until you are overcome. I was crazy with love. I marveled at creation and intensities of joy that cannot be described surrounded me. It is no wonder that at that time I broke out of my routine. I was a hermit.
I saw the rabbi I was closest to in a vision. Later I noticed that he was like the Sufis in Islam, only in ultra-Orthodox clothing. The Shas in his hand and he was only a doula for the worship of the \’, even if it was in our rabbi Hananel’s absence. I saw in the mirror a siddur with letters that were not connected to each other in blocks. A\’ that goes back and forth. I found hints of this in Kabbalah. I had negative motifs that hinted to me ahead in colors that I found in Kabbalah literature. I heard a rising holiness.
At the age of 14, I first told about a place I had been and the hand gestures I made there, but I couldn’t say when it was. In that place, everything was green hills for which I couldn’t see the horizon. I had hand gestures that I only saw and recognized more than ten years later in the Sufis of Islam, in the descriptions of the Egyptian Hasidim, and in the descriptions of Gurdjieff. Behind me was a house that rose upward like a kind of tower. There were two steps of stairs and inside sat a man with a distinguished face. The purpose was to teach or convey something to me, but I don’t know or remember what. More than ten years after I told the story, I happened to see two pictures of Rabbi Ha-Zemir David Ha-Cohen through a friend and pointed to him. I got chills from this man. It was almost clear to me that he was the same man who was there. To this day, I doubt it, also because I am very skeptical by nature, but this is what I can tell.
A while ago, I was in a relationship for years with a philosopher of the T\\\”H who had left religion. This relationship led to bad situations to say the least. Before we met, I had a vision that warned me about him, but I suppressed it. He was in a place without night, a dark place. And I saw into his soul. I knew how to tell him what mental illness he had, before I recognized it in him. To this day, it is a miracle for me. Towards the end of the relationship, I had a vision that I saw him in 4 places. In one place, his face seemingly changed to a young man, but his facial features did not change. In another place, he would hit Jerusalem stones and with each strike, the whole stone turned black. In one place, I saw him while experiencing a peace that I have no words to describe and for the first time in my life I had a message that you cannot define as an ear or a thought. Thin. The words were \’He has no way of having anything\’. These are words that I had not read or heard or reflected on. I did not understand exactly what they were really trying to tell me and I would wonder about them. I suppressed them. After a while, I came across a book by chance, on the Internet, called \’Voice The prophecy’ and it is by the hermit Rabbi. I leafed through it and saw these words appear in it and a whole Torah about them. I was amazed. The end with that one was when I came out to him and at the age of 15 for some reason. I didn’t know that this was the defining moment in his life. The moment he started injecting himself with heroin and that all the negativity started from those days. And I learned all this after a while from someone else.
After a while, words came to me in an ecstatic moment, the words were “in my heart of light”. I had not read or heard them, and I searched and discovered them in Rabbi Kook, whom I did not even know. Verses were pulled out for me.
These things led me back to Judaism even more strongly after I repeated my question. From within, not in the commandments, but outwardly. A time when I was in a kind of devotion as new as ever. Then I went and lost my grip and felt that I had reached the limit and that I could take no more. Fortunately or not, I was usually always a thinker and rationalist. I began to wonder and reflect again and found my thoughts drifting until I went and got off the path again and came to atheism in the religious sense. I read a little in Carl Jung’s Red Book about the collective subconscious and archetypes. I realized that even if I didn’t have complete answers about how I knew things, I started to take it all in a different direction.
Today, all of these things have stopped and there is much that I have not shared and I have not shared. I have been to two expert professors (also abroad, not just here), one in psychiatry and one in psychology. One of them admitted that these were real experiences. And recommended a place for me to move to. I was not diagnosed as schizophrenic, but on the schizophrenic spectrum. I cannot speak about the essential things in my life, but I can point out. I have gone through bumps and difficult situations that are unbearable and only a heart knows its bitterness. I lost my faith and the path that I gave my soul to along the way. Those were wonderful days, I am no longer there. And I have nothing in particular to do with anything that goes on in religion these days. But I have decided to share my story, even if only a little, here. I would love to hear an opinion or advice on sharing, thank you.