Kleptomania created
Hello and dear Rabbi,
I am addressing a rabbi with a question that has occupied me for many years,
I would love to know the Torah on the matter,
I am already an “adult” teenager. I just graduated from yeshiva and I am studying for a degree and looking for my partner. I am not an adult at all, I am 23 years old.
When I was a “teenager”, I had a tendency to delay gratification. Even as a little boy, I remember myself like this, taking a two-hundred-dollar bill at the age of 9. This manifested itself in many ways, including “helping hands” – I got to research the mental illness “kleptomania” – and if I wasn’t close to it, I would take something that I would actually use, with strange excuses – some I would ignore the prohibition itself and others I would say “I’ll return it”.
Now years have passed since, nearly five years, I have been reaching out, at all, but the fear, and the frustration that I have not yet returned everything, {and that I am unable to return everything, because I do not know, and even if I do know, I do not know the owner, and even if I know the owner, I do not know where they are}, cause me to “not make progress” on a daily basis,
On the one hand, I can’t give up, on the other hand, it’s almost impossible. People on the outside don’t know that I have this Yitzhar, that he was stronger than me. I think to myself twice that maybe I have some kind of wickedness, that reason can’t stand me, because it’s a very heinous act to lay hands on money that isn’t mine. Maybe I’m an exception to this, but most of them are thieves. In my case, I feel that things are different, and that frustrates me.
I would love to know Torah on the matter, a. Regarding all the movables that I must return and that I still have in my possession and that I sometimes don’t have the courage to return, b. Regarding that “Yitzhar” what is it? Why is it so disgusting? Why does it make me feel bad every day, c. Maybe this is the main reason why I can’t find a match, as the world says, “Theft hinders a match,” d. I really want to go back and tell myself from the beginning not to do these things, but what can I do if I don’t have the option, e. I would love for the honorable Rabbi to address what I wrote before if he has an analysis on the matter because this thing “eats” me every day.
Regards
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Hello A.
First, the mere fact that the topic interests you indicates that you are on the right track.
Don’t lose heart. Such a tendency exists in many people, and I admit and am ashamed that I myself had something like this.
I don’t accept the mysticism that attaches to this success in mating, but regardless of that, offenses must be corrected. I am a gardener, not a psychologist, and I don’t know how to answer the question of what this instinct is (I don’t really understand the question either. You have such an instinct, and that’s it).
It would be best if you found the courage to approach the people you know you took from and give it back. I tell you, most of them will forgive you and you will feel much better.
Regarding someone you don’t know about, the halakha states that they are returned to the public treasury.
Once you have done this, do not dwell on all this again, but move forward. You cannot go back. You have done what you could and from now on you cannot get stuck in all this. This is the advice of the instinct that tries to prevent you from progressing. Among other things, it is said about this, “Do not be too righteous, lest you be put to shame.”
Good luck,
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This is an unusual thing at my level, so I think about myself this way, because most people feel a "disgust" about this thing, does this past affect my being able to be a "Tach" or a "teacher" in Israel, after all, the theft and probably will remain as long as I try to return everything... it is a very disgusting thing and makes me feel second-class, and also the fear that they will discover it even though two have passed...
There is a beautiful thing in that I wrote this on Pesach Sheni, which is a "possibility of correction" as the rabbi says, but it feels extreme to me, impossible, and no matter how hard I try, it will always remain or be discovered... I want to be normal! Why was I born with this thing?
I have no idea. But as mentioned, there's no point in dwelling on it and probing further and further. If you can't stop, you should consult a psychologist. This is not a spiritual-mental question, but a psychological cry.
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