Faith and matchmaking

Thank you. Right now I have no direction towards a particular religious stream, and I also have no plans to address the question. My main doubts focus on the very meaning of the matter of faith. From what I understand, there is no way to reach a religion without believing. I listen to the rabbi's series on the subject of faith. It seems that faith is based on intuition and tradition, along with logical explanations, but proofs will not exist. But in this way, it is possible to reach faith in any religion, including Judaism. This is of course a very general conclusion, but it touches on other things in religion, such as why follow a particular stream if there is no proof that it is the true stream, and so on in the field of halakha and jurisprudence, why listen to a particular rabbi, etc.

I am a little older than you, I was and am now in the same place (married)
The things are just for sharing, and the insights are my opinion only (meaning, there is a situation that is based on anecdotal and not representative personal experience)

So as mentioned, while armed with doubts, investigations, and philosophical thoughts, I approached matchmaking.
My perception was that opinions, ideas, views – are irrelevant.
Because everything is flexible. Everything is brittle. Everything changes.
And overall, we are talking about a young girl who is drenched in propaganda from the seminary, and it is difficult to change her mind.
And that is really not important compared to life itself, a relationship that is built on attraction and love.
I did not present my thoughts (skeptical, and modern).
I just tried to approach more modern girls, hoping that they would be more flexible later.

Now a few years after the wedding.
You could say,
I was right and I was wrong.
I was right, that it is possible to have a great relationship based on love that does not depend on anything.
That life, procedure, career, livelihood, etc. are the center. (Especially when there is a child).
That you can connect even when you disagree,
Despite gaps in religious level, and view of faith, Haredi, etc.

I was wrong,
1. It is not so easy to change your partner's mind.
2. Many arguments arise around religious/ideological issues.
3. Your partner allows you to be exposed to anti-Haredi content, etc. (for example, columns by Michai Avraham).
You don't play cards about different religious behavior,
And by and large there is intellectual and behavioral freedom.
Although, you can't really "come out of the closet" officially. In terms of the signs.
Because you are already part of another conservative family than you, and you don't want to pay too high a price.

However, I will conclude by saying that as much as Rabbi Michi emphasizes the need for courageous steps (in the liberal religious sense),
I think it is not always advisable or necessary.
Harediism is not a sect. It is a continuum, and it does not really bind on a dictatorial level.

You can give the family/environment/sector its dividend (style of dress, institutions, matchmaking, etc.)
and continue with a religious-liberal-broad-open development.
In the end, the connection with the family, maintaining the line – has a huge advantage in personal life.

My recommendation is, if you recognize modern characteristics in yourself (even religious skepticism in general),
the recommendation is to look for a guy who is a sociological match for your family (Haredi, right?)
Although not a consensus. Looking for a more modern guy,
There are meetings of more ”thinking” guys who deal with philosophy, etc. (thinking about meaning, dealing with and grappling with faith, other rules and laws).
Usually these are meetings of ”strengthening” etc.

Develop together, think together, adjust yourselves together.
You don't have to lay out everything before the engagement.
You can just grope around ”open-mindedness”.
And hear the direction based on the answers.

As for everything else, this is already a classic match.
Which depends on your data.

Good luck

Girl, if you're interested, I'm also single and connect with Rabbi Michi's style, so it's relevant, so we can get along together 🙂

Thanks for sharing. As someone with experience, your insights helped me a lot. This is indeed exactly what I think, in the end, most Haredim don't really have a belief that is based on overly strong arguments, so it seems to me that with a few questions and basic opinions of mine I'm knocking down his belief and we're already on the same page.. According to what you write, it seems like it's not that simple. The most important thing is really openness of mind and thinking in general, but the question is how do you check something like this even at the dating stage, when there's no real relationship yet. Because for me, I'm now open to every possible opinion but I don't see a chance of saying something like this at such an early stage, on the other hand it's clear that it's very important to avoid disagreements later on. How can you grope around such a broad and significant issue?
In terms of the question of whether to come out of the closet, it will always be problematic. Because even if your partner shares your opinions, he has all his family and friends around him.

You can try... Of course, there is a lot more data that requires adjustment besides the connection to Rabbi Michi's style.

27 years old

I can tell you that you are not an exceptional case.
And the ”pot has a lid” even within the Haredi yeshiva world.
There are many young men who allow themselves to engage in and also reflect on faith. Many of these feel the injustices of Haredi morality and express great criticism.
(For example, I have a brother from an elite Haredi yeshiva, who makes many sounds in this style).

The choice to ”come out”, and perhaps try to look for a different sector/society, may sound like a good idea ideologically, but it is bad in terms of stability, especially at your age, and you may regret it, and feel lonely, etc. (After you have a family – the process, if it happens, will probably be easier emotionally, because it means moving along with your base and stability)
Also, according to your questions, it sounds like you haven't reached a definitive conclusion yet,
And to the best of my impression, a little more study of Miki's content and maybe later you will get great answers to some questions (especially regarding the part about the transition from belief in the Creator to the Jewish religion).
So maybe it's too early to make a transposition at this stage.

Again, there are currently more than enough guys in the Haredi yeshiva world, which is certainly geared towards you, who will fit you ideologically.
All that remains is to locate them.

How exactly? That's a difficult question. You need to get to know you, your family style, the matchmaking suggestions.

But in general, it's worth looking for an open guy, with an intellect, who perhaps behaves in a more modern way, and try to see that it's not because he doesn't connect with learning or pursues fashion and pleasures, but that there is an open ideology behind it.
This is a good starting point, from there you can move forward together, in integration, there may be a few differences of opinion, but when the gaps are small – it's not a big problem.

27 and 20 seems like a pretty significant gap to me, although it's obviously better than a gap in my perspective. In any case, I think the most appropriate thing is that there shouldn't be too big gaps in the two areas, so it seems less relevant to me. Just curious, do you also come from the Haredi world?

I also think the most appropriate thing to do is look for a guy who is open-minded in an intellectual sense, but the truth is that I come from a pretty extreme conservative family and in their eyes, any guy who is a little more open or modern is doing it for shallow reasons.

Personal recommendation:
Age 20 is a very young age. And as you said, you are on a journey of development and are not yet really solidified about yourself.
You should think about whether you want to bind yourself right now to a commitment, which even in the best case scenario that turns out to be crazy love, will not allow you to continue your personal development journey: now not one family but three expect you to stay where you were when you got married, and as an ultra-Orthodox person, children and admission to educational institutions, etc. will probably arrive very soon; and you may find yourself handcuffed to your place without any ability to move, regardless of whether you feel in your right place or not. A wise woman, so to speak.
Personally, I would recommend that you live a little longer outside the greenhouse, get to know the world, continue to learn and develop, because marriage is a very heavy burden that in most cases does not easily allow for movement. Therefore, it is not worth getting married because “everyone”, but because you really feel ready for it in every way.
Good luck!