Q&A: Bar Mitzvah
Bar Mitzvah
Question
Hello Rabbi,
There is a lively discussion among the worshippers in our [Yemenite] synagogue about a gay couple who want to hold a bar mitzvah for their son. Should they be allowed to do it in our synagogue?
Some think that allowing a gay couple to make a bar mitzvah in the synagogue for their son amounts to recognizing the legitimacy of that relationship, and that is simply unthinkable. Others hold, in line with the Rabbi’s view, that when a person does a commandment, he has done a commandment, and when he does a transgression, he has done a transgression—and one commandment should not be prevented because of another transgression.
What is the Rabbi’s opinion?
Thank you very much,
Mordechai Avdiel.
Answer
Hello,
It’s a delicate question. On the face of it, one indeed should not prevent them, since the boy is becoming bar mitzvah—what is the child supposed to do about who his parents are? Is he not a Jew who should celebrate his bar mitzvah? Entering the yoke of the commandments is a joyous occasion. Still, there is room to look for sensitive ways not to express too bluntly the fact that these are his parents. For example, to give an aliyah only to the biological father (or to whichever one of them they choose).
One has to remember that this is not a place for sanctions against the parents over the decision they made. I have written more than once that they are probably under compulsion. And one certainly should not harm the child. But there is room to consider, delicately, educational considerations with respect to the community as a whole. If it were possible to put everything on the table and explain the decision to the public together with its limitations, that would be best. If things are swept under the rug, it creates resentment and hidden frustrations that may later erupt in an improper way. But of course, that is for your judgment, as people who know the individuals and the community.
Discussion on Answer
I assume that if he isn’t Jewish, they wouldn’t make a bar mitzvah for him. Even if he was born to a non-Jish mother, usually religious parents convert him. But obviously my remarks apply to a Jewish child.
From the secular point of view, a bar mitzvah is a cultural ceremony, and they don’t understand its halakhic significance. I would guess that aside from co-parenting with a Jewish mother, most children of gay men are in practice non-Jews. There is an entire surrogacy industry abroad for children for homosexuals. Almost all of them involve a non-Jewish mother. There is no reason to assume this case is different.
In the case under discussion, the child is Jewish from birth!
Shouldn’t one first make sure the child is Jewish according to Jewish law, and wasn’t born through surrogacy from a non-Jewish mother from Georgia or India?