Q&A: Nedarim 20a
Nedarim 20a:
Question
How does the Rabbi understand this story: A certain woman came before Rabbi and said to him: “Rabbi, I set the table for him and he turned it over.” He said to her: “My daughter, the Torah permitted you to him, and what can I do for you?” (Nedarim 20a). What does “the Torah permitted you to him” mean? That she is obligated to obey her husband in carrying out this act? Is Rabbi basically telling her that her wishes are secondary, coming only after the husband’s wishes? Or is there some other meaning?
Answer
It seems that there is indeed a conception here that she is supposed to comply with the husband’s wishes regarding the manner of intercourse. But in my opinion this is not Jewish law, but rather a meta-halakhic norm, and today it is obvious to me that it has no validity whatsoever.
It is also possible that Rabbi was telling her that he could not say that the husband had committed a forbidden act, or punish him for it, but one should not infer from his words that the husband has the right to force her into it if she objects.
It sounds like she came purely because she thought the act was forbidden, not as a complaint against the husband for not doing what she wanted, so Rabbi’s answer also doesn’t address that issue, only whether the act is permitted or forbidden.