Q&A: Guarding One’s Eyes
Guarding One’s Eyes.
Question
Hello Rabbi.
In most laws and commandments I always choose the normal path, and I feel that the way of the Torah and living in reality can somehow be combined. Since I got married two years ago, out of a sense of loyalty to my beloved wife, I began thinking about guarding my eyes and took it upon myself to become much stricter about this. (Before that, unfortunately, I was not careful about it at all, and my mind was full of sinful thoughts.) But I see in myself that on most streets in Israel, if I want to walk while protecting myself from sinful thoughts, I have to walk literally with my eyes cast down, glancing only a little when there is no choice; and in most of those cases it ends with me having to lower my gaze quickly again toward the floor. This way of life is of course very difficult, but I do not see another way, and so I try to accept it. I wanted to ask whether the leniency of “when there is no other route” can be applied here, and if so, what it might make easier relative to the way I described above? And also, does the Rabbi have any idea, advice, or guidance for how one can nevertheless guard one’s eyes and still remain a free, spontaneous, and normal person?
I would be very happy for advice. Thank you very much!
Answer
Hello,
Since this is not a halakhic prohibition but rather a practice you accepted upon yourself, I don’t think there is any need to get into the parameters of “another route.” The question is what is right to do, not what is permitted or forbidden.
In my opinion, if you are a normal person, it is not reasonable to behave as you describe. The Torah was not given to ministering angels, and we are supposed to live in the world we inhabit, not flee to the deserts and live like “the women in shawls.”
By the way, if I may add a penny’s worth of psychology, it is quite possible that the more you occupy yourself with this issue, the more it will chase after you. If you behave obsessively about guarding your eyes, there is a chance that it will make you stumble more. Take that into account as well.
I think that if you return to normal and cautious behavior, that is better—both for the normalcy and spontaneity of life and for your relationship with your wife. And if from time to time there is a thought, we are all human beings.
All of this is said on the assumption that you are an ordinary person and not someone suffering from special difficulties, in which case you should consult separately with someone who knows you and your issues.
Discussion on Answer
A wonderful distinction between guarding your eyes and abandoning them is how much you lock on, like a heat-seeking missile, to every broad identified as a target. The practical difference is whether, when she walks past you and overtakes you, you turn your head or not. And there are several levels to this, as is known to those in the know. And reflect well on the saying of our Sages, “Better behind a lion than behind a woman.” Reflect on it, infer the rest, and I won’t elaborate.
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