Q&A: Jewish Law
Jewish Law
Question
Hello Rabbi,
A friend referred me here — maybe I can get some help. I hope my question is okay.
I was born secular. My wife is formerly religious. We live in the north, and my wife’s parents, with whom the relationship is strained, live near Be’er Sheva.
When we travel there, it is always for an entire Sabbath or holiday. The trips are obviously hard for us because of the distance, but on Friday and on Saturday evening the traffic is really burdensome. It’s also hard for us to be stuck there the whole Sabbath and then return home in the dead of night. When we’re there, we keep the Sabbath completely, and even I do ritual hand-washing and things like that and walk around the house wearing a kippah. Only in our room, when the door is closed, can we open our phones. I’ve already gotten used to that.
Several times my wife asked her parents if we could leave in the middle of the Sabbath. They absolutely refused!! They said either you stay the whole Sabbath or don’t come at all. But when we don’t come, they keep taking digs at us about it all the time, and we do want to come in order to preserve the relationship. In practice, in this whole story I function as the national calming agent, even though inside I’m no less frustrated than my wife. They are very religious, and her father has a synagogue. My wife is the youngest daughter, and of course everyone knows that we are secular in every respect.
I can’t understand this issue. What does it have to do with them — we’re the ones desecrating the Sabbath. And it also has nothing to do with them, because if we don’t travel to them at all then we’ll have far more Sabbath desecration. But the relationship is shaky as it is, and we’re afraid of snapping the rope, so for now we travel and complain.
So my question is this, if you’ve made it this far (sorry for the length):
From the standpoint of Jewish law, are her parents right? Is it really forbidden for them to invite and host us if we tell them we’ll leave in the middle of the Sabbath? And if I swear that every Sabbath we aren’t there I will desecrate the Sabbath a thousand times, does that not matter no matter how it helps? Forgive me, but I’m frustrated by this. I just don’t know whether they’re pulling something on us with reasons they aren’t telling us, in which case maybe solutions can be found, or whether they are simply sticking to Jewish law and we have no chance of convincing him of anything. I have no interest in arguing with them myself, both because it’s unpleasant for me and because I need to stay on the outside in order to mediate and calm things down. And when my wife talks to them, within a few minutes it blows up and nothing gets understood. Her father says the words “Jewish law” all the time, about everything, on every subject — it’s a bit obsessive in my opinion; I just don’t know anymore.
If you read this — sorry for going on so long!
And if you answer — thank you very much!
Respectfully,
Dan Gilboa.
Answer
Hello Dan.
First of all, the two of you are doing something very worthy of great appreciation. This is an unusual sacrifice for parents who do not seem to be taking you into account very much. Now to your actual question.
Let me begin by saying that sometimes it is hard to convince people that an act which seems obviously forbidden to them actually contains no prohibition, at least under certain circumstances. This is especially true if those people are not Torah scholars who are expert in Jewish law, and so they act based on intuition. But here the truth is that it is permitted.
Another introduction. Clearly there is a halakhic prohibition against driving on the Sabbath, and there is also a halakhic prohibition against causing another person to sin, such as causing him to drive on the Sabbath. So your claim that you do not understand what business it is of theirs if you drive is not precise. If they are the cause of your driving, then they share some of the blame, and therefore according to Jewish law it is forbidden.
But given the fact that you are not believing people and are not committed to Jewish law, and in any case you drive on Sabbaths, in my opinion, as in the opinion of many others, there is no prohibition against inviting you for the Sabbath, and of course you may decide for yourselves when to leave. An invitation for you to come on the Sabbath itself is forbidden according to most opinions, though in my opinion even that is not forbidden. But an invitation for the Sabbath when you arrive beforehand, and you are sincerely offered the option of staying overnight but you choose to leave on the Sabbath itself — that is permitted for them, though of course not for you.
I personally do this with Sabbath-desecrating friends or relatives. I invite them to me, and of course offer that they stay over if they wish. If they decide to drive on the Sabbath, that is their decision and not mine, and I did not cause that driving, so there is no prohibition upon me. In my personal opinion, even this offer is not necessary in order to permit such an invitation, but that is my own minority view.
Practically speaking, I do not know whether a statement like this from me will persuade your wife’s parents, but perhaps if they see written halakhic rulings it will have more influence on them. Therefore I am attaching a few sources that you can show them:
1. See here a responsum by Rabbi Yaakov Ariel, one of the most important halakhic decisors today and certainly not suspected of excessive liberalism, right at the beginning of his remarks: https://www.toraland.org.il/22827
2. And here from the book Peninei Halakha: https://www.kipa.co.il/%D7%A9%D7%90%D7%9C-%D7%90%D7%AA-%D7%94%D7%A8%D7%91/%D7%94%D7%90%D7%9D-%D7%9E%D7%95%D7%AA%D7%A8-%D7%9C%D7%94%D7%96%D7%9E%D7%99%D7%9F-%D7%90%D7%95%D7%A8%D7%97%D7%99%D7%9D-%D7%9C%D7%A9%D7%91%D7%AA-%D7%91%D7%99%D7%93%D7%99%D7%A2%D7%94-%D7%9B%D7%99-%D7%99/
3. And here from rabbis of Beit Hillel: https://www.beithillel.org.il/post-45/
And there are many more like these.
I suggest that you speak with them openly and tell them that this is very hard for you, and just as you take them into consideration, you are also asking them to take you into consideration. You can add that you are afraid of reaching a point where the difficulty will cause you not to come at all, and then this will cast a shadow over the relationship with the parents — not as a threat, but as a genuine concern of yours. This is all the more appropriate when it is clear that there are opinions in Jewish law that permit it. Even if they themselves choose a different halakhic path, they should respect your own way when it does not contradict Jewish law. When you choose to rule in accordance with opinion A, there is no justification for imposing that on someone who chooses path B, which is also grounded in the views of halakhic decisors.
I hope this helps.
At the margins of my remarks, perhaps one more suggestion: is it possible to come for the Sabbath but stay somewhere nearby and not at the parents’ home — perhaps with friends or at a hotel or something like that? That might ease the pressure and tension. Of course this is not a solution for frequent visits, but from time to time maybe that too is possible.
And again, despite my disagreement with your general way of life, Sabbath desecration and so on, I will end with very great appreciation for the way you are conducting yourselves in the context of honoring parents. More power to you.
Wow! Thank you so much for the effort and the content! It’s really not something to take for granted, and I am very, very grateful to you!
We’ll make use of this when things calm down a bit. The idea of sleeping somewhere else is very interesting; my wife has a lot of friends there, both women and men, and not all of them are religious. Although the basic distinction isn’t clear to me in principle, maybe it really will be easier for her parents. I’ve heard her father mention the name Rabbi Yaakov Ariel a few times, and suddenly I’m optimistic that it will work. Thanks again!
Dan