Q&A: Unable to Get Over a Loss
Unable to Get Over a Loss
Question
Hi, I recently celebrated my 17th birthday, and when I was 13 my father passed away.
After some time I fell into depression, suicidal thoughts, anger at my father and at God.
Because of that I stopped keeping the Sabbath, and I think less that God has power.
When I think about it in general, I also get sad because I’m no longer observant, and I do want to be a religious person, but I’m not willing to move on after the loss because I feel that the Holy One, blessed be He, hurt me personally.
Answer
Hello Daniel.
I think the feelings you describe are based on an incorrect assumption. You assume that the Holy One, blessed be He, is the one who does everything that happens here. In my opinion, that is a mistake. What happens here is brought about by nature or by people’s decisions.
The question of why the Holy One, blessed be He, created a nature that has such consequences is a better question, and I have suggested an answer to it to the best of my understanding. See, for example, here: https://mikyab.net/%D7%A9%D7%95%D7%AA/%D7%91%D7%A2%D7%9C%D7%99-%D7%97%D7%99%D7%99%D7%9D-%D7%98%D7%95%D7%A8%D7%A4%D7%99%D7%9D
I expanded on all these matters in my trilogy, mainly in the second book.
Discussion on Answer
You touched my heart, A. I hadn’t understood you correctly until now.
With God’s help, eve of the Sabbath on which the month of Av is blessed, 5780
To Daniel—greetings,
It is hard, very hard, to find one’s way in the world without a father’s support, encouragement, and close guidance. But your father did not leave you alone in the world. He left behind a representative and stand-in in the world—you!
Beyond your father’s traits, which are embedded in your physical and spiritual DNA, over the years you already had time to see his good conduct and the ways of coping he developed for life’s difficulties.
Walk in his footsteps! Ask yourself in every dilemma in life: “What would Dad have said or done in this situation?” In that way, his guidance will continue to accompany you in every step you take.
Your father’s soul watches from on high and awaits your success, and his guidance will continue to accompany you at every step. Go with his strength and succeed!
With blessing, S.Tz.
Hey Daniel, my brother. I lost my father at age ten and a half. Back then I was Religious Zionist; after a few years I became secular, and from there it affected my return to repentance among the Haredim. I was attached to God with supreme self-sacrifice. But what I went through there, with my then-blind eyes, was the exact opposite. I went through beatings and things the mind cannot bear to tell, and still I was faithful to His path. I sought Him with all my heart, to be faithful to His way, on a floor with blood on it, but He was not there at all. If that is His answer to orphans—then it’s all nonsense. I’m not trying to weaken you in the religious path; it’s important to me, my brother, that you go through life with your eyes open, in the sense of “the wise man has his eyes in his head.” A father’s passing has broad psychological effects on a son, including ones he doesn’t even notice. You need to pay attention to them. Study the subject, my brother; have talks if needed. “If there is anxiety in a man’s heart, let him speak of it.” It’s worth doing this in nature; there is “nature therapy.” Nature is mysterious and healing. Overcome and rise above. Be a fighter! A true fighter is measured by his inner strength. “Who is mighty? He who conquers”—inwardly. “And one who rules his spirit [is greater] than one who captures a city.” Good luck on your path, and may you know only good things in your life.