Question

Hello Rabbi!
First, I wanted to say that ever since I became acquainted with the Rabbi's books and website, I’ve been reading eagerly, enjoying them tremendously and learning a great deal—thank you very much!
I wanted to ask whether the Rabbi could give me some genuine advice about a problem that troubles me greatly. I grew up in Lithuanian-style yeshivot, I enjoyed the yeshiva method of learning, advanced in it a lot, and I always found myself among those who had an opinion on the various Talmudic topics. Unfortunately, as happens with many people, despite the pleasure and taste I had in learning, I invested all my energy in depth and thought on this topic or that, and over the years neglected systematic study of the tractate—never mind systematic halakhic study. In recent years, even my fixed study times gradually faded, until I was learning a little here and a little there, “talking a lot in learning,” brilliant with concepts and ideas, but hardly studying in any regular way, and of course not retaining any systematic knowledge.
The situation today is that I am 26 years old, and for a long time now I have hardly studied Talmud at all. I have fairly strong ability in the yeshiva method of learning, a great love of Torah and a strong desire to grow greatly in it, and tremendous pain over my situation, which gives me no rest. Many times I think I should just go back to the lectern once and for all and be done with it, but I feel a huge lack of meaning in taking action. I feel there is some gap that I will never be able to close. I am facing two possibilities: one is to go back to learning as I was accustomed to, something I no longer have any desire to do and which seems meaningless to me, because what good will more “talk in learning” do me—another analysis here or there that will just join the “ragged scraps” sinking into my memory? Or to begin studying Talmud in order, which seems far beyond me and also meaningless, because what good will it do if I know one tractate when before me stands a vast, endless treasury of books? The Jewish bookshelf stands before me like a terrifying wall, and I am like that bird pecking away at it, grain after grain…
Lately I have concluded that I no longer have time. The years are passing and I still haven’t done anything. I absolutely must do something about this, save myself before it truly is too late. But this great despair keeps me from making any real move. I know there are no shortcuts, I know there is no choice and that I must work very hard to bring the ship back to shore, but perhaps the Rabbi has some true advice, some orderly path to acquire this tremendous possession, so that on the one hand I won’t just be occupied with racing through Talmudic tractates and trying to make up what I already lost, while on the other hand I also won’t be occupied with just another random topic or another that is not fit to combine into anything. And above all, to find a path in which I will feel meaning in what I do, feel that I am going to live in Torah and enjoy its labor, just as I always enjoyed the toil of Torah, and not like a penitent tormenting himself over his sins and trying to turn from evil in a bowed posture and resigned acceptance of judgment.
Thanks again!