Q&A: Marriage for Asexuals
Marriage for Asexuals
Question
Hello Rabbi,
I didn’t find a question on the site about this topic (though it’s only fair to note that I’m technologically challenged). A friend of mine is apparently asexual (or something similar—he simply isn’t attracted to anyone and is repulsed by the whole matter). What should he do regarding marriage? Is he allowed to marry without having relations (of course with a woman who agrees to that)? (And they would adopt children, God willing.) Is he allowed not to have children at all? This is being asked with the young man’s permission. a0
Answer
Obviously one must not marry without saying this in advance to the prospective spouse. But if it is with her agreement, then what is the problem? Perhaps from her perspective there is an issue of fulfilling “He created it to be inhabited,” but here there is room to be lenient (because otherwise he would remain without a spouse). The adoption will make up for the neglect of the commandment of inhabiting the world.
However, he himself is under the obligation of procreation, and if he has some way to fulfill it in any manner, that is of course obligatory.
Discussion on Answer
Thanks for the answer. Is there also a problem in the opposite direction? An asexual woman who marries someone who agrees not to have relations? (If he finds a way to fulfill “be fruitful and multiply” without her.)
The medieval authorities (Rishonim) disagreed over whether a woman can waive the conjugal obligation (because it is bodily suffering, unlike sustenance and clothing). In my opinion, as a matter of simple reasoning, it is obvious that she can waive it—certainly as long as she herself does not change her mind. After all, no one would say that if a woman waives conjugal relations once, he must force her to have relations with him. And in the background, of course, stands that person’s possibility of having a relationship; if one cannot waive the conjugal obligation, then he has no way to find a spouse.
The opposite case is more difficult, though there is room to be lenient if he manages to fulfill procreation in some other way. Still, to fulfill it with another woman is problematic, since fundamentally it should be done within marriage. And again, the leniency is based on the fact that without this, that woman would not be able to have a relationship.
There’s also the issue of the conjugal obligation, no?