Q&A: Is it permissible to have non-halakhic sex for someone with severe mental health problems?
Is it permissible to have non-halakhic sex for someone with severe mental health problems?
Question
Hello,
According to Judaism, sex is permitted only within marriage between a man and a woman.
In order to get married, truly, not just in a technical sense only to have sex, a number of prerequisites are needed.
First of all, a person has to be emotionally developed and able to contain and support his partner.
Second, he must not have overly severe problems, such as strong uncontrollable outbursts of rage.
And there are several other conditions that are the bare minimum of the bare minimum.
After that there is a level above the minimum, which any reasonable person would also see as a kind of minimum, such as the ability to give in, to truly love, to build a relationship, and other things.
But that is above the absolute minimum, which is simply the ability to be with another person without making them miserable, yelling at them, getting angry at them, etc. etc.
So the question is: if a person, for example, went through extremely severe abuse at home from age 0, and simply is not at the level above the minimum and not even at the minimum, and despite many years of treatment still cannot get out of these issues, does the halakhic prohibition on sex outside marriage still apply to him as well?
After all, he knows that emotionally he is not at a level where he is capable of marrying, and there are many other problems, and "work on it" and all that is nonsense when we are talking about severe mental health problems.
So does such a person need to reach age 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, and so on until death without ever expressing this drive?
At a certain stage, say somewhere in the late twenties or thirties, it is already technically unhealthy to keep "suppressing" it all the time and not expressing it. It is a natural drive in the end.
And if it is forbidden—then why should he be "punished" for something that is not his fault? Let us imagine, for example, a person who for health reasons can eat only non-kosher food, or has to be fed all his life through capsules via a device and therefore will never actually eat anything. Would such a person also be bound by the laws of kashrut, which in practice would mean that his whole life he would never experience the experience of food with all that entails? In other words, there is suppression of a drive here, and the question is whether in such a case there really is a commandment to suppress it.
Nowadays, as is known, there are many ways to have sex not in accordance with Jewish law; all you need is a smartphone and a few clicks.
Thank you
Answer
Hello.
Sexual relations with an unmarried woman who has immersed in a ritual bath are a relatively minor prohibition, and even regarding that I do not see room for permission (perhaps concubinage). But as for the other prohibitions, I certainly know of no permission for them, even in this sad situation.
Discussion on Answer
That too is forbidden (though only rabbinically, so long as they do not marry and do not have a child. See the overview here: https://he.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D7%91%D7%95%D7%A2%D7%9C_%D7%90%D7%A8%D7%9E%D7%99%D7%AA).
However, the words of Maimonides in Laws of Forbidden Intercourse 12:6-8 probably are not relevant here.
What’s the problem with simply violating Jewish law?
The Torah warned that one may not withhold from others their natural need and natural due:
"Her food, her clothing, and her conjugal rights he shall not diminish."
And certainly the Torah would not itself violate this prohibition and command a person to withhold it from himself.
According to Torah law, he is obligated to have sexual relations and to enjoy the matter fully. And if he does not do so, he transgresses a severe prohibition and casts aspersions on the Torah.
And as Kohelet said: "Do not be overly righteous, and do not make yourself too wise; why should you destroy yourself?"
Shmuel said: Whoever sits in fasting is called a sinner. He held in accordance with this tanna, as it was taught: Rabbi Elazar HaKappar Beribbi says, what is the meaning of that which Scripture says, "and make atonement for him, for that he sinned against the soul"? Against which soul did this one sin? Rather, because he afflicted himself by abstaining from wine. And if this one, who afflicted himself only by abstaining from wine, is called a sinner, then one who afflicts himself by abstaining from each and every thing all the more so.
And as for all the prohibitions of the nice normal rabbis, let them keep that for people like themselves. You have no reason to relate to them so much—they’re living in a Hollywood movie and think everyone needs to take part in their game.
Whoever finds it difficult should undergo castration. Maybe through a non-Jew it is permitted.
It is better that you enter the kingdom of God maimed than that you be cast with your whole body into hell.
At the beginning of Christianity there were believers who underwent castration.
This is the test between one who believes and one who does not. Even among the pagans there were those who were willing to sacrifice.
https://www.theapricity.com/forum/showthread.php?307773-The-Gnostic-Gospels
There is no logic at all in thinking that Jewish law manages to capture exactly the will of the Holy One, blessed be He, with all the exceptions and edge cases. That is simply a baseless and naive thought. Jewish law is stated for the general case and for the majority, and in special cases each person needs to think what seems reasonable to him that the Holy One, blessed be He, demands or expects of him. Even if no rabbi will give a formal halakhic permission, because the resolution of Jewish law is not precise enough. God is the Holy One, blessed be He, not the Shulchan Arukh. Chill.
With God's help, 2 Shevat 5781
To the questioner—greetings,
The foundation of foundations for happy personal and social life is: "What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow." Someone who has personally experienced abuse by someone who turned him into an object for gratification ought to be the first to recoil from the idea of venting his urges by turning an unfortunate young woman into a sexual object.
Obviously, he should think a little about the unfortunate young woman who, because of her distress, is forced to sell her body in order to provide gratification to anyone who pays, without love. That unfortunate woman feels exactly as he felt: used, humiliated, and violated.
When the young man learns to develop compassion and empathy toward another person, the path to love and a healthy relationship will, God willing, open up to him. To the extent that he becomes a "giver" who cares about the suffering and pain of another soul, he will be freed from the trauma he underwent. In my humble opinion, this is the foundation for improving his situation, and of course along the way he will need close support, counseling, and encouragement from a professional, but the foundation is to become a "giver."
With blessing, Ben-Zion Yohanan Korinaldi-Radetzky
A practical solution for a relationship between two people suffering from mental instability might perhaps be the model of "one who supports his wife through an intermediary," described in the Mishnah and Talmud in tractate Ketubot, in which the husband and wife, though married to each other, live in separate homes, maintain a shared financial life, and eat together "from Sabbath eve to Sabbath eve."
Living separately during the weekdays prevents excessive friction, and that might help in the initial period of mutual adjustment, until they learn to know and appreciate one another’s habits. In this way a transitional period and adaptation is created between the separate lives of bachelorhood and full life together.
It would be interesting whether professionals have thought about this direction, and whether it is indeed practical in our time.
With blessing, Simcha Fish"l HaLevi Plankton
Sexual relations are a negative and degrading thing that was permitted only as a last resort, like the beautiful captive woman. In Psalms David says, "Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me." In an ideal world, sexual relations are a sin. Only as a last resort was it permitted under severe restrictions, similar to the beautiful captive woman or the scapegoat.
Maimonides also expands greatly on the shamefulness of the sense of touch, and especially regarding sexual relations.
And with a non-Jewish woman as something casual?