Q&A: Choosing a Life Partner
Choosing a Life Partner
Question
Good week, Rabbi Michi. I hope everything is going well.
I have one question that bothers me a lot; it’s a bit personal:
How can I know whether I chose the right life partner for me?? I think I’m going to get married in a few months to someone, but I’m very afraid—maybe she isn’t the right partner for me? More specifically, she really is a very good Jewish woman with very fine character traits, but maybe I could find someone better? Or maybe I could find a woman who is prettier than she is? So why not look for someone prettier?
In short, how can I know:
if she’s the right one,
when the best time to get married is,
if I’m ready or not,
etc. etc.?
Give me your view on this issue; it would help me a lot. Thank you, Rabbi.
Answer
First of all, there is no end to that. You will never be able to know that there isn’t someone better. So there is no point in troubling yourself with that kind of question. If there is good chemistry and she is a good person, go for it.
I would also add that beauty really is not a critical parameter. Of course she should be attractive in your eyes, and her appearance should be reasonably appealing to you, but how beautiful she is matters only in the first few dates. In life, it really isn’t important. Partners no longer notice each other’s beauty. They get used to one another, and the external parameters lose their significance. I know it’s hard to accept such a claim before you’ve found a partner, but believe me—that is how it is, from my experience and from what I’ve understood from others.
Discussion on Answer
You are completely normal, because that’s how it is for most people. And like most of them, it will pass, because this is a mistake young men make when they don’t yet know what happens after a relationship develops.
I understand, Rabbi, thank you. But it’s really hard to tell myself that in the end beauty isn’t really important, especially in these summer days. I’m trying very hard to overcome the impulse in this area, but when I see a beautiful woman on the street I say to myself, “Why isn’t my girlfriend as beautiful as she is?”
Do you maybe have any advice about that?
Try not to look and not to think about it, and marry a good partner. I don’t have any better advice.
But Rabbi, don’t tell me beauty isn’t important, because I really feel that beauty creates love and passion, and beauty drives me crazy. I feel (maybe not justifiably) that for beauty I’d be willing to do anything, etc. etc.
Am I normal?