Q&A: A claim about near-suicide and saving a life
A claim about near-suicide and saving a life
Question
Hello Rabbi,
I wanted to ask: someone from the yeshiva (a 17-year-old, Haredi, from a very closed family) whom I know, and whose difficult past I know—he was thrown out of every framework, raped, his parents are divorced, he was beaten, they sent him abroad on a one-way ticket, and more and more. He told me that he thinks a lot about suicide and doesn’t see any good future for his life on the horizon, lives in constant suffering, and sees no reason to go on living. He wants to kill his parents, who don’t speak to him and aren’t willing to let the family meet with him, aren’t willing to talk with him, etc. etc.
Toward the end of that conversation he suddenly asked me whether I intended to go and tell anyone about that conversation. Because actually he had fooled me and was only looking for attention, and it’s nonsense because he would never actually commit suicide… and actually he’s really very happy with his life… in short, don’t tell anyone.
1. So now I wanted to ask the Rabbi what the Rabbi recommends I do in this situation. Should I tell the guardian responsible for him?
2. Does the Rabbi know any good arguments to make to a boy in that kind of situation? What should I say to him, and what shouldn’t I say?
P.S. It’s important to stress that he told me he had been hospitalized for a period and is really begging not to go back to the state he was in then, when he felt like a drugged-up person. And after the conversation he looked fairly cheerful overall.
One thing that feels certain to me is that during the conversation he really didn’t look like he was lying to me, like from his eyes and everything, but at the end it seemed like some twist happened and it looked like he had returned to his normal state.
I’m pretty lost and don’t know what to do with this situation. On the one hand he’s begging me not to tell anyone, but on the other hand it also doesn’t seem to me that anyone will take care of him; they’ll just send him to hospitalization like before.
Can the Rabbi advise me? I really don’t know whether it’s real or not and what to do about it.
P.P.S. He also has lots of questions about faith, and he defines himself as a non-believer, doesn’t keep commandments in secret, etc. But on this topic I once spoke with him, so today he’s already only doubtful. In any case, one of the reasons he claimed he was afraid to commit suicide was in case there is reward and punishment, etc.
Answer
It’s hard for me to answer without knowing him personally (and perhaps even with knowing him). This really isn’t my field. I suggest trying to speak with a psychologist/psychiatrist in order to assess the level of danger. There are also organizations that help, by phone and in general, people in this kind of distress, and you can try consulting them as well (maybe they have an advisory service). I know someone who works in such a framework and I could consult with him (if you want, contact me by email).
If there is a guardian and you think he understands the situation and won’t make things worse, then it’s definitely כדאי to update him.
It’s just important to make clear that obviously the consideration of disappointing him by passing this on is not a consideration if in your assessment it is necessary. At most you’ll lose his trust and friendship, but there is an obligation of “do not stand idly by your neighbor's blood.”
If he doesn’t believe, why does he keep commandments in secret? What is stopping him from leaving? If he wants, I’d be happy to meet with him.
Discussion on Answer
I said yes.
In my opinion, the fact that he was happy the next day doesn’t mean much, and he probably also won’t tell you again what he already said once (once is enough—why would he need to repeat it). Ask yourself how you’ll react if they tell you he committed suicide. Will you regret not sharing it with the guardian?
You can tell the guardian in a way that the boy won’t feel that you told on him. For example, ask the guardian to hide the fact that he knows about it, and just start sniffing around on his own and push the boy toward psychological counseling on the pretext that he thinks he needs it, or that lately he has seemed more depressed than usual, or some other false pretext that covers the source and isn’t too transparent. If the boy suspects you shared it with the guardian, you can say that you only asked him to pay more attention to him, but didn’t tell him everything. That way you’ll still keep his trust.
As someone who helped a girl when she threatened to do this and called the police (she literally threatened it by text message), I recommend that you share this with someone close to him. But of course they shouldn’t know that you’re the one who said it.
Otherwise, if heaven forbid he does it, you’ll feel tremendous guilt, and that’s not pleasant.
Hi,
What I meant to say about that person was that he does not keep commandments in secret; he’s prevented from leaving because he comes from a very, very closed family from the broader Meah Shearim area (and is a descendant of one of the important figures there).
So all of his financial dependence, educational dependence, and everything else comes from that place…
Because he seemed happy enough on the day after that conversation, and also the next day, I decided for now not to tell anyone and to watch his condition over a few more days. If he says it to me again, then I’ll tell. In any case, I told part of his past (which he doesn’t mind so much if people know)—to two young men who said they would make sure to give him some warmth, attention, and understanding.
If that boy agrees to contact you, could you meet with him? The problem is that he’s very, very jumpy in his thinking (but not at all stupid), so I don’t know whether you have enough patience to talk with him.
Thanks for the offer and everything,
A.