Q&A: Do Not Hate (?)
Do Not Hate (?)
Question
Hello Rabbi,
1. I wanted to know whether there really is a prohibition against hating someone in your heart. How can one command feelings?
2. I understood that some say that if you told the person that you hate him and did not keep it in your heart, then you do not violate the prohibition. Is that correct?
Assuming 2 is correct, then if I hate a famous person or a person who is hard to reach, do I need to make an effort to tell him that I really can’t stand him and/or the way he behaves?
Answer
- First, contrary to the common view, feelings can be commanded. A person can control his feelings. And even if you did not succeed, then you are under compulsion. In any case, at least according to Maimonides, the prohibition is to keep the hatred in your heart and not say it with your mouth.
- See above.
By simple logic, it does not seem that you need to make an effort to catch up with him. He is not really interested in whether you hate him, and there are probably many others like you. This is talking about your friend from your own surroundings.
Discussion on Answer
I wrote that in my opinion, no.
With God’s help, 9 Adar I 5784
To Oren — greetings,
It seems to me that there is no point at all in informing a person that I feel something negative toward him. What the Torah commands is not “Do not hate your brother in your heart” alone, but rather “You shall surely rebuke your fellow.” The grievance one has toward another should be expressed as substantive rebuke, stated respectfully in a way that may be accepted by the listener.
When the resentment over another person’s actions is channeled into substantive criticism — which by its very nature also includes an attempt to understand, even if not to justify, the other person’s motives — the negative feelings become greatly dulled, since they are no longer locked away in the depths of the heart but have received proper expression.
Best regards, Fish”l
The source for the idea that rebuke must be delivered respectfully is: “One might think his face may change color; therefore Scripture says: ‘and do not bear sin because of him,'” from which it follows that one must rebuke without embarrassing the person being rebuked. Substantive and respectful criticism has a much better chance of having an effect. Buber called this: “I-Thou dialogue.”
Best regards, Fish”l
Although that is the plain meaning of the verse, it seems to me that Maimonides’ wording does not imply that. The prohibition is on the very keeping of it in one’s heart, and not only an added prohibition attached to the positive commandment of “You shall surely rebuke.” But I have not checked it just now.
Nowadays it is possible to send a message relatively easily even to famous people through social media. Assuming that so-and-so hates so-and-so, who is not exactly an unknown person but a very famous person, and it is possible to send him a message on one of the social networks like Instagram — is there an obligation to send him a message saying that he hates him?