Doubts

Hello Rabbi,
I asked you a question before… and suggested we meet and talk, which never came to fruition…
In any case, the issue still bothers me, and I would love to hear the Rabbi's opinion.
I am a girl from an ultra-Orthodox home, observing most of the commandments.
For about two years now I have had questions, doubts, and concerns about belief in God and the Jewish religion, the Bible.
After much thought, I came to the conclusion that truth is certain in some cases and in others it is relative – or what is true for each person. After all, it is not possible to prove that a certain view is better than another. Because it is a belief.
And since God and the Bible are not ultimately provable, I don't think it's worth wasting a lifetime on something that's uncertain.
I believe in things that I understand to be good, like choices, and love over hate.
But I don't understand how the Bible story makes sense, so it's hard for me to believe it. I've had questions since the end of high school.
I don't understand why so many people blindly believe things based on emotion and because that's the environment they grew up in.
I don't think I'm very smart. And I'm sure the rabbi is already very experienced and wise and will find logical errors and subtleties in my words that I didn't notice.. But my idea and situation are probably understandable.
But I know that most people already start from a certain premise and try to justify it with all sorts of claims and justifications. That's why there are different beliefs and differences of opinion. And that's what I call relative truth. In private things that are not universal. Absolute truth is that one should not murder. Relative truth is how a person perceives the reality around him (as long as it does not harm universal truth and other people). Example: A private dog bit a person and damaged his property, the dog belonged to a child. The victim comes to the father with claims and the question is asked, who is guilty and should be punished, the dog, the child or the father. It can be imposed on any of the three with convincing reasons…
At first I thought that I would eventually find absolutely certain answers that the Bible and God are true. But I didn't get there and I began to doubt. Most people trust their feelings and those who say it is based on all this are uncertain.
Because, as I already said, if someone wants to prove something, they start from a premise and find arguments and justifications for it. Just as in Germany during the Holocaust, they found justifications and relied on philosophies to "purify Germany," so to speak.
Or is it a matter of brainwashing… People in Germany were brainwashed with these claims and therefore thought it was the truth…
Obviously, if we put someone in a monastery their whole life, they will be certain of the faith they were taught there. But people outside will be able to see their "truth", their error.

I don't think that through intellectual philosophical debates one can reach certain truth on such complicated matters of view.
Because it will always be possible to think of a smarter counter-argument. And, of course, the wise and experienced will come out on top even if they make a mistake.
Absolute truth can be proven, it can be proven that the table is in the room and there is nothing to argue about here, of course we can philosophize that it is a dream and so on. But if we philosophize about reality we will not be able to move forward, so we must trust that it exists, and also the things that are clear and agreed upon by everyone. But how do I prove to someone that my belief is absolute and his is completely wrong.
Therefore, as I mentioned, I do not understand and I have not come to conclusive proof. Because of this, I think that even if the Torah is true and there is a God, how could He punish a person who sought and came to this conclusion, after all, he did everything he could…. and it was not given to him.
Nevertheless, I still see advantages in religious life over secular life, such as general morality and satisfaction. And yes, I know that if I make a mistake and don't live up to anything, I will lose everything. Therefore, it is better for me to save a little as long as it doesn't threaten or harm me. And yes, my family is very Haredi, it doesn't pay for me to leave and be alone. What will I find out there, I don't know any secular people and I don't think I will find many values. And I am not at all certain. I doubt it. So I prefer to live as a skeptic. I have come to the conclusion that I need to follow the truth, which is absolute, and things that I understand and am comfortable with. After all, why should I burden my life based on uncertain things?!
I'm pretty desperate, but I have a conscience…
I will add that I believe in a God that I understand, one who gives an explanation for physical phenomena, and who cares for the existence of the world… but I doubt that of the Bible…
That's who I am, a skeptic. Of course, my family doesn't know anything about it, because what would they understand… I'll point out that I studied at Haredi institutions, I met a few rabbis in my life, but I knew they wouldn't understand me and therefore wouldn't be able to try to help. They'll just tell me I'm wrong and come up with all sorts of reasons, and of course I'll find counter-reasons… That's why I don't think Torah and science will solve the problem, because they are built on claims and starting points that can be refuted and counter-reasons can be brought up….
That's why I'm still religious, I keep Shabbat, I try to say a blessing, I only pray on special holidays, I wear semi-"modest" clothes, I'm on the edge. But doubt still eats me (and a lot…) and I'll probably get married one day, and I wonder who, if he's religious, then how will he understand my skepticism, and secular is not an option.
I hope this is understandable, I wrote quite spontaneously, and not in the most organized way.
Thank you for your attention and understanding.