Inquiries regarding the chuppah and kiddushin

First, good luck to you. I will start with a general comment. As a feminist who wholeheartedly advocates equality (as far as is halachically possible, and even beyond that), I highly recommend that you approach this ceremony in a balanced way. There are parts of it that are perceived as unequal without any real basis. There are parts of it that are indeed unequal, but why is that interesting?! We perform this ceremony as a continuation of a long-standing tradition that we are a part of (including the parts of it that we do not like. Think of the secularists who say "with the help of God" and the like). Ultimately, equality does not depend on declarations or ceremonies, but on the nature of the home you have built between you. That is what is truly important. In my opinion, the whole preoccupation with ceremonies and their production is nonsense and folly, and venting all my frustrations and desires for equality on it is unnecessary and unhelpful. This whole ceremony is a joke that is forgotten two days after it is held, and the energy invested in it is simply clearly unreasonable. Not in the production itself, nor in the pursuit of equality, etc. Therefore, a prenuptial agreement and these conditions are very important questions because they determine the legal relationship between you. This is a fundamental matter. The question of whether the bride will surround you or vice versa, and whether the person who reads the ketubah will be a man, a woman, or a frog, in my opinion is really unimportant. Instead, you can also dance on your head in an equal way or not. Why is this important? Why is this interesting? Now, after I have clarified my principled position (which in my opinion is more important than all the answers), I will turn to your questions. First of all, I must make two introductions: A. These inquiries have a halakhic and a legal aspect (because in Israel there is a mix of these two levels). Therefore, every step you decide on must be examined halakhically and legally. As a general rule, I recommend that you consult with organizations that deal with this, they provide halakhic and legal advice. B. Most of these decisions should be made with the officiant, otherwise you are just muddling through. You may want one thing and he may not agree, or vice versa. If you decide to get married privately (not through the Rabbinate/Zohar, etc.), then of course you can choose a rabbi of your choice. And things still need to be worked out with him. So I will start with the question of the officiant.

1. There is no halakhah that requires a wedding officiant. In fact, it is an unnecessary and ceremonial role. Its basic purpose was for someone knowledgeable to ensure that matters are conducted lawfully. But it does not have a constitutive role. Therefore, there is no problem with the wedding officiant being a man, woman, monkey, or silkworm. It is true that we have accepted that someone who is not knowledgeable in the art of gittin and kiddushin should not have anything to do with them. Therefore, one should hire someone who is knowledgeable in halakhah to ensure that the business is conducted lawfully and properly. He can of course be a man or a woman or a gentile, and even an atheist, as long as he is knowledgeable in the relevant laws and you trust that he will actually apply them. A wedding can be conducted without an officiant at all. It is halakhically valid as long as it was done lawfully.

1. Regarding prenuptial agreements, there are several accepted versions on the market. I am not familiar with their details, but various women's organizations ((Bouy Setom, Justice for Women, etc.) will inform you of everything you need. In my opinion, it doesn't really matter, because ultimately these agreements are not accepted by the Rabbinate, and in the event of a divorce, the matter will go to the Rabbinate (as far as I know, there are no private divorces in Israel today). You, of course, need to decide whether you are satisfied with a prenuptial agreement or want a condition (which cancels the consecration if something problematic happens). I recommend both.

There is no halakhic problem with such agreements, nor with the conditions. Although most rabbis oppose such agreements, it is only based on policy considerations. By all accounts, there is no prohibition in this, even if you are told otherwise. In my opinion, both from a policy perspective, it is appropriate and correct to sign an agreement and a condition. You can find formulas online or in various organizations.

1. Anyone can give a blessing. In the past, it was accepted that women would not give a blessing out of respect for the public. Today, I think it is irrelevant and there is no problem. By the way, it was only recently made public by Hannah Kehat that her father, Rabbi Shlomo Fischer (who has now passed away), told her this according to the law. Although in my opinion, one should not give a blessing to someone who does not believe (regardless of whether he is observant. The blessing of a non-believer has no meaning, and in my opinion it does not count at all. When my daughter got married, she asked me whether to give a blessing to someone or someone unknown, and I told her that the criterion was that I would make sure they believed. She conducted a poll among my children to find out which of them could give a blessing. That is how I finally found out which of my children believes and which does not. It was very amusing, and I will not deny that it was also a little sad for me).

It's better not to greet two people together, Terry Kelly doesn't seem to understand. But I don't think it's a hindrance.

1. I am not familiar with this custom. I understand that it involves adding a blessing after the sheva. If they clearly announce that this is a non-halachic addition and make some kind of a ruling, there is no problem with it in my opinion.

1. I don't know a modern version of the ketubah, but that's not important either. What determines what will happen between you is social customs, not the ketubah. In my opinion, there's no need to make a big deal out of it. If you want to write the ketubah in Hebrew, it arouses antagonism among many, but in my opinion there's no problem with that. It's even desirable.

It is not necessary to read the ketubah at all during the wedding ceremony. This is a custom that is intended to separate the Kiddushin from the marriage. You can also do a short dance in the middle to separate them, or blow a trumpet. Anyone can read the ketubah, including an atheist monkey. As mentioned, you can also not read it at all. But personally, I am completely in favor of reading it, because it emphasizes the legal-contractual dimension of marriage, beyond the romance and the pink-winged angels that all those present at the wedding see in their minds. You must remember that there are mutual contractual obligations between you, and this is an essential and important part of the relationship between you. It deserves to be placed at the top of your joy. See what I said at my eldest son's wedding. See also the last column that appeared on my website yesterday.

1. This is a serious halakhic question and here I would be careful. The woman cannot give a ring to a man at the wedding. The ring must come from the man to the woman, since he sanctifies it. When the woman sanctifies it, it invalidates the Kiddushin. If they want to make a ceremonial addition later and declare that it is not part of the Kiddushin, they can. See my introduction above, the inequality of this ceremony is meaningless. The man does not buy the woman or any of these delusions. This is not the halakhic meaning of the Kiddushin ceremony and certainly not its practical meaning. If anything, then she buys him. 🙂

1. Definitely yes, in my opinion.

Congratulations again, feel free to reach out if there are any other things you would like to talk about.