Q&A: Refraining from Physical Contact
Refraining from Physical Contact
Question
Hello, honorable Rabbi,
A question regarding refraining from physical contact in a romantic relationship. The question is hypothetical at the moment, but it is also a matter of principle.
If a person has been in a romantic relationship for some time, say several months, and reaches the conclusion that the relationship is indeed good and believes it will continue to marriage, what is the importance at that stage of continuing to be careful about refraining from physical contact? If among the purposes of this fence is the desire to create a genuine relationship that grows out of an emotional bond and is not based on physical contact, then if enough time has passed and it has indeed become clear that the emotional connection is good, without the confusion that could have been caused by physical aspects, is there no room to be lenient from that point on regarding refraining from physical contact? Halakhically I know there is no room for that, but in principle, why is there a need to continue being careful about it (and in a certain sense to feel unable to express your feelings) if it is known that the emotional bond is real?
(And in the same context, why is there a need to keep away from your wife for such a long time each month, even though I heard an answer that the waiting creates anticipation and greater joy when your wife is permitted to you.)
Thank you very much.
Have a good week.
Answer
Hello A.,
In recent years, refraining from physical contact has become a concept that belongs to folklore and Jewish culture. But this is Jewish law, not folklore. Your question sounds to me similar to asking what the point is of refraining from eating pork or creeping creatures, or of keeping the Sabbath. One must observe it because that is what Jewish law requires. Jewish law does not come to serve this or that need, or at least from our perspective it should not be understood that way. It is no coincidence that in Jewish law we do not generally derive the reason for the verse.
The same answer applies to keeping away from one’s wife. I do not deal with the reason for the verse, and certainly do not see that as the reason and motivation for observing Jewish law.
If you want to move to the physical stage, then that is the time to get married, that’s all. And if it is delayed because invitations and productions and all the fuss need to be arranged, I would very easily give that up rather than give up the Jewish law.
Just be strong and courageous,