Q&A: Causing Harm to Children by Breaking Up a Family

Originally published: January 28, 2024

This is an English translation (via GPT-5.4). Read the original Hebrew version.

Causing Harm to Children by Breaking Up a Family

Question

Hello Rabbi,
If the question isn’t relevant, feel free to delete it.
I am married with quite a few children, and I have no real relationship with my husband.
We are not compatible, we have no shared values, and we hardly communicate except for the task-oriented management of the household. It works reasonably, without aggression. There is no shouting.
There are no relations between us as he undertook in the ketubah, though he definitely does provide financially.
I am interested in getting divorced officially as well. He is not interested and prefers preserving the framework even without a marital relationship. I’ll just note that the background is his diagnosis as a high-functioning autistic person, what used to be called Asperger’s (which you might perhaps have appreciated …)
It is clear to me that divorce creates suffering for children,
and it is clear to me that it is permitted, as shown by the fact that there are so many Jewish laws surrounding it.
Is it morally right to prioritize my happiness (if I were to find a partner)
over the well-being of the children? Without a doubt the children prefer the current situation: a functioning home without fights, with parents who are emotionally disconnected.
Living in one house is preferable to two houses; the divorce would also include a drop in the standard of living, and more.

Answer

Hello,
This is definitely a relevant and important question. It is hard to give a general answer, because it depends on each of your feelings and on the costs being paid for continuing the current situation. So I’ll make a few comments, but of course this is only an attempt to help with the difficult decision you are facing.
As a rule, I oppose sacrificing oneself for others, including for one’s children. Of course this is a matter of degree, and clearly we all pay prices for our children, and that is as it should be. But there is a limit to the personal price a person is supposed to pay for others. Your own fate is also an important factor, and it will accompany you all your life. By the time the children grow up, it will already be too late for you to build a family (you could of course still build a later-life home without children). I wrote something similar in my article regarding children: that they should not have to sacrifice what is important to them for their parents, and the commandment of honoring parents does not require that. See here:

כיבוד הורים וטריטוריה הלכתית

I called this “territory considerations,” and obviously the same applies to parents in relation to their children.
Beyond that, one must take into account the fact that if you continue living this way, you yourself will become more bitter and frustrated, and the children themselves will suffer from that too. So it is not certain that they would benefit from your sacrifice either.
And finally, even what seems terrible for children is not always actually so. All in all, nowadays there are quite a few children growing up with parents who separated. It is not easy, but they grow up, and the vast majority become ordinary, normal people who went through a difficult period in childhood. So the outcome for the children is not necessarily so severe. That of course depends on what the separation would look like and what your relationship with each other would be afterward.
And perhaps one more point. If you did not know your husband’s condition before the marriage, then there is a kind of mistaken transaction here (unless his condition developed after the marriage). Someone here acted improperly, and it is hard to demand that you pay the price.
Bottom line, I suggest that you weigh each of these considerations: 1. How you yourself will feel in the future (not only now) if the situation continues. Whether the price this will exact from the children does not offset the benefit of staying. 2. To what extent this will harm you over time. 3. One should take into account that even if the children go through a difficult period, most of them get through it reasonably well (here there is not much room for judgment, because you do not know what the situation will be regarding your own children. But that is usually the case. What is in your hands, at least partially, is to try to create a good separation with continued joint raising of the children).
It is hard for me to write such a thing, but in my opinion the starting point in such a situation is to separate, and one needs a good reason not to do so.
May you hear good news, and much success. Don’t hesitate to reach out if there is anything else. You can also do so by email or by phone/WhatsApp.

Discussion on Answer

. (2024-01-29)

Questioner,
if he was always Asperger’s, then how did you marry him in the first place? Did you never feel affection?
As for the diagnosis, did you receive counseling from another experienced professional as well?

Young people tend to diagnose problems very freely.

Causing Harm to Children by Breaking Up a Family

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