Q&A: Divorced in the Heart
Divorced in the Heart
Question
Hello honorable Rabbi,
A couple has come to the conclusion that their relationship has withered, and they decided to divorce once the children are older (and there are other social reasons as well for delaying the divorce). There is disappointment and a lot of blame on each side, but no real hatred. They agreed, in a matter-of-fact atmosphere, that they would continue cooperating afterward as well.
Is it permitted for them to have marital relations? I heard from a rabbi (a Breslov Hasid) that this is a severe prohibition, and that for this purpose “divorced in the heart” are like strangers. Obviously the intention is to do so in a way that does not lead to children (but for that they had already received permission to delay pregnancy even before this whole matter of divorce came up). It is quite possible that if marital relations are forbidden, that would speed up the divorce for understandable reasons. They are interested in each other, since for both of them this is preferable to nothing.
Thank you very much!
Answer
A very interesting question. In principle, with a wife who is “divorced in the heart” it is forbidden to have marital relations (from the words of the Prophets/Writings). But the definition is when he has set his mind on divorcing her. In the case at hand, they decided to continue the family relationship for the coming years, and therefore in my opinion this does not fall under the category of “divorced in the heart.” People remain married for all kinds of reasons, and I do not think the reason has halakhic significance. As long as they continue living together, the law of “divorced in the heart” does not apply here.
Discussion on Answer
There is no “divorced in the heart” here, because there is no heart here.
There is no no heart here because there is no here here.
And if you meant that specifically when he wants it in his heart but did not say so there is a problem, but if he informed her then she is not “divorced in the heart” and they are still obligated to one another regarding marital conjugal rights — that seems conceptually very puzzling.
One could mention the commentaries on Shulchan Arukh, Even HaEzer 119 on the page, where some hold that this does not apply when he informed her of his intention before the marriage (and it seems one might perhaps draw an analogy to a case where they agreed to this willingly even after the marriage), and some hold that if he intends to divorce her only in the distant future, this is not included in “divorced in the heart.” (But in this case, if he did not inform her, he is an unfit exploiter, and in general, “do not plot evil against your neighbor while he sits securely with you.”)