Q&A: Friendship with a Secular Person in Front of Children
Friendship with a Secular Person in Front of Children
Question
Hello Rabbi,
This is not exactly a halakhic question, more educational advice.
I studied in a Religious Zionist yeshiva. Over the years I became more stringent in Jewish law (I “got burned,” meaning I became much more intense about it). My study partner from yeshiva days, who is a good friend of mine, became secular. We have remained on excellent terms.
But now my children have grown up a bit (ages 7, 5, and 3), and I am wondering whether, educationally speaking, it is healthy for him to come to my home and spend time with me bareheaded. Until now, when the children were home I would give him a kippah and he would wear it, so as not to confuse them. We also sometimes “talk in learning,” and I can easily explain to him some little Talmudic piece with Tosafot and a difficulty I have with it. In one second we are back in the atmosphere of our yeshiva study-partnership days. Somehow it feels natural and not strange.
But I know the children will understand that he is secular. (And his wife is secular too, although when she comes to us she is dressed with entirely reasonable modesty. They do not yet have children.)
Is it better to meet only not in front of the children? Is it better to speak about it directly with the children? Are there in general risks in such meetings that should be taken into account, and how is it best to minimize them?
Hoping for a response,
Thank you
Answer
This is a difficult question. Personally, I tend not to cut off relationships. It is hard to keep your children in a disconnected aquarium, in a kind of Noah’s Ark. So it is preferable to act openly and talk about it with them. If you are in a Haredi framework that keeps them completely cut off from the surrounding world, then perhaps there is room to cut off this as well. But in non-Haredi frameworks they will become closely acquainted with secular people in the future, and earlier, controlled exposure has its advantages too. In any case, there are no guarantees of success in whatever path you choose, and therefore in my view it is more correct to act in the way that seems right in itself. If the harms clearly all lie on one side, then there is room to give up on the truth. But if there is concern about harms on both sides, then it is reasonable to choose the path that is right in itself.