A Fundamental Principle in the Law of Honoring Parents

The Rabbi’s Opening Post

A Fundamental Principle in the Law of Honoring Parents

Sent on 27/9/2004

| |

A Fundamental Principle in the Law of Honoring Parents (dedicated to Orva Parach)

I have indeed seen in Techumin, volume 3 and volume 15, two articles by Rabbi Ovadia and by Rabbi Ariel, and I was utterly astonished.

Rabbi Ovadia discusses the question whether a child must obey his parents when they want him to study in a yeshiva high school, whereas he wishes to study in a yeshiva devoted entirely to religious studies (and I do not wish at present to discuss the assumptions as to what counts as sacred). After a rather brief discussion, which deals with the halakhic status of secular studies (‘to teach him to swim’ and ‘to teach him a trade’) and also with the question of setting aside the honoring of parents for the sake of commandments, Rabbi Ovadia concludes that the child is not obligated to listen.

Rabbi Ariel discusses the permission to volunteer for officer training in the army against his parents’ wishes. After a more detailed discussion, which likewise deals with the parameters of honor and reverence, the setting aside of honoring parents for the sake of commandments, enhancement of commandments, pious conduct, and the like (and again, I do not wish to deal with the religious status of the commandment of military service), he concludes that if his parents need him, it is doubtful whether he is permitted to do so, and if they do not need him, it is certainly permitted.

And I, the lesser one, stand perplexed. For the words of the Maharik, section 166, cited by the Rema in Yoreh De’ah at the end of section 240, are well known: when one’s father and mother tell him not to marry a woman whom he wishes to marry, he is not obligated to heed them.

Is the discussion here too because of the commandment of marriage (which is itself disputed)? Seemingly, the exemption is because parents have no right to intrude into their child’s private affairs. If they were to instruct him to stand on one leg for half an hour every day, would he be obligated to do so?

And I later saw in the Maharik עצמו that he explained this on the grounds that, as a matter of halakhah, we rule that one honors them from their own means. And bodily suffering is no less than monetary loss. That is precisely my point.

I would further add that if this were a matter of a commandment, then there would be room to say that if the son is looking for commandments, the Torah recommends to him the commandment of honoring parents, through whose merit his days will be lengthened. But if he wants self-realization, to fulfill his own will, then the parents have no right whatsoever to prevent him from doing this.

Yet this still requires examination in light of what the Maharik wrote there, namely that perhaps there is even a commandment aspect to the matter (that he should marry a woman who has found favor in his eyes, so that she not become repugnant to him), which implies that this is a factor in favor and makes the case more stringent.

And one may reject this by saying that there the matter concerns a prohibition and not the fulfillment of a commandment. That is, if the child wished to fulfill a commandment, that would actually work to his detriment, and it would be overridden by the honoring of father and mother more readily than self-realization would be. But where there is a prohibition, this is indeed a factor in favor.

Of course, I know that every fulfillment of the parents’ wishes involves some measure of concession, and the line between self-realization and some measure of concession is not clear. But I have no doubt that it exists.

Therefore, in my humble opinion, if the child wants to be an officer, and this is part of his self-realization, he has no obligation whatsoever to obey his parents, with no connection at all to the question of the commandment involved in this (and perhaps with the opposite connection, as explained above).

It is true that Rabbi Ariel discusses the dispute among the early authorities in Yevamot 6a as to whether the commandment of honoring father and mother is to obey them or to provide their needs. But all this is irrelevant to our case, for here the issue is taking from him and not giving to them, and in this respect, in my humble opinion, they have no right whatsoever.

Let the sages of the forum come and teach me understanding from time to time….

Source (the forum ‘Stop Here, People Think’): http://www.bhol.co.il/forums/topic.asp?topic_id=1126071&forum_id=1364