Q&A: A Kleptomania Urge
A Kleptomania Urge
Question
Hello to the Rabbi,
I am turning to the Rabbi with a question that has occupied me for many years.
I would be glad to know what the Torah has to say about it.
I am already an "older" young man; I have just finished yeshiva, I am studying for a degree, and I am looking for my match. I am not old at all — I am 23.
When I was a child, an "adolescent boy," I had an evil inclination involving inability to delay gratification. Even as a small child I remember myself that way, taking a two-hundred-shekel bill at age 9. It expressed itself in many ways, among them "putting out my hand" [taking what was not mine]. I ended up looking into the mental illness "kleptomania" — and I was not close to that. Every once in a while I would take something I would actually use, with strange justifications — sometimes I would ignore the prohibition itself, and other times I would say, "I’ll return it."
Now years have passed — nearly five years — since I last took anything at all, but the fear and the frustration that I still have not returned everything {and also that it is not possible for me to return everything, because I do not know, and even when I do know I do not know the owners, and even when I know the owners I do not know where they are} cause me to be unable to move forward in daily life.
On the one hand I cannot give up hope; on the other hand it is almost impossible. People on the outside do not know that I have this evil inclination, that it was stronger than I was. Sometimes I think to myself that perhaps there is some wickedness in me, that I cannot live with myself intellectually, since it is a very disgusting act to lay hands on money that is not mine. Maybe I am unusual in this, even though most people stumble in theft; with me I feel it is different, and that frustrates me.
I would be glad to know what the Torah has to say on the matter: A. regarding all the movable property that I have to return, some of which is still in my possession, and that sometimes I do not have the courage — and sometimes not even the ability — to return; B. regarding that evil inclination, what is it? Why is it so disgusting? Why does it make me feel bad every day? C. perhaps this is the main thing causing me not to find my match, as people say, "theft delays a match"; D. I truly want to go back and tell myself from the start not to do these things, but what can I do when I have no such possibility; E. I would appreciate it if the Rabbi would address what I wrote above, if he has any analysis of the matter, because this thing is "eating" me up every day.
With blessings
Answer
Hello A'.
First, the very fact that this issue occupies you shows that you are heading in the right direction.
Do not lose heart. This kind of urge exists in many people, and I admit, to my embarrassment, that I myself also had something like this.
I do not accept the mystical ideas that tie this to success in finding a match, but regardless, transgressions need to be corrected. I am also not a psychologist, and I do not know how to answer the question of what this urge is (I also do not really understand the question. You have such an urge, and that is that).
The best thing would be if you found the courage and approached the people you know you took from and returned it to them. I can tell you that most of them will forgive you, and you will feel much better.
As for those you do not know, it is written in Jewish law that one returns it to the public fund.
From the moment you have done that, do not keep thinking about all this again; conduct yourself facing forward. You have no possibility of going back. You did what you could, and from here on you cannot remain stuck in all this. This is the counsel of the evil inclination trying to prevent you from moving forward. About this, among other things, it was said: "Do not be overly righteous, lest you become desolate."
Much success,
Discussion on Answer
I have no idea. But as I said, there is no point in dealing with this and digging into it again and again. If you are unable to stop, it would be worthwhile to turn to a psychologist. This is not a spiritual or philosophical question but a psychological problem.
This is an unusual evil inclination at my level, which is why I think this way about myself, since most people feel "revulsion" toward this sort of thing. Does this past affect whether I can be a Torah scholar or a halakhic decisor in Israel? After all, the theft is still on my hands, and apparently it will remain even if I try to return everything as much as I can… It is something very disgusting and it makes me feel second-class, and also the fear that they will discover it even though two years have passed…
There is something meaningful in the fact that I wrote this on Pesach Sheni, which is an "opportunity for repair," as the Rabbi says, but this matter feels to me extreme, impossible — and even if I try as much as possible, it will always remain or be discovered…. I want to be normal! Why was I born with this thing?