Q&A: Marriage
Marriage
Question
Hello Rabbi Michi,
First, I should note that I am a long-time student of yours, but this is the first time I’m asking/consulting you.
And now to the matter that is on my heart:
I’ve been married for several years, thank God, happily.
But sometimes the question comes up for me: to what extent am I obligated to take my wife’s opinion into account on matters
that are not directly related to her, even though she tries to influence my decisions, for example: workplace, social circle, leisure activities, etc. (for example: I sometimes meet up with friends to drink whiskey or smoke a little grass/cannabis
(in a way that, according to all opinions, does not harm my health), which she doesn’t like).
When she reacts with distress to my decision, am I obligated to make an effort to appease her, or even more than that,
to enter into negotiation and compromise, or is that not part of a husband’s duty to his wife in the moral (and Torah) sense?
I should note that I love her very much and am devoted to her and to my home with all my heart and soul.
Thanks in advance,
Ariel
Answer
Hello Ariel.
It is certainly important to consult with her and take her into account, but it’s hard to set universal rules on a matter like this. This is determined more by common sense than by formal obligations, or by what is forbidden or permitted. The question is how important it is to you and how important it is to her. How hard is it for each of you to give in? What will happen if you don’t give in? (It’s better to be wise than to be right.) And so on. In any case, it’s important to listen seriously in order to see whether this is just some prejudice or one of her meshugas ideas, or whether there are actually real things here that bother her and you’re repressing them because of your inclination. I’m sorry I can’t be more concrete, but I don’t see clearer rules than that.
Discussion on Answer
Indeed, it is convenient to be a follower of some guru/rabbi. But I’m not to blame, and I’m not committed to providing convenience to the public (I assume you don’t expect that from me either).
What I’m saying is that you need to decide, because only you know the situation. One can deliberate about what to do in situations of doubt, when everything is evenly balanced as you described. In such a case, you can draw lots, or decide to do what you want (in the sense that passive inaction is preferable), or decide to move toward her and give in (which is also a case where passive inaction is preferable). And again, I haven’t helped you at all.
If you’re asking what I would bet on: a priori, it is reasonable to assume that she is right, because she is not personally biased and you are.
Maybe you could talk with your wife and involve her in this very dilemma itself. That is, present the situation to her from your perspective, and ask her whether in her opinion you should give up your own desire/pleasure for the sake of her desire/pleasure. In other words, make even this meta-decision together.
Good luck.
Thank you for the quick answer/response.
Indeed, I’m sorry there isn’t a concrete answer to questions of this kind.
Common sense? Seemingly, I’m right!
How important is it to me and to her? For both of us, our own will and aspiration as individuals is important.
How hard is it for each of us to give in? Equally hard.
What will happen if I don’t give in? Nothing… actually yes, it will cause her distress.
Is it meshugas or real things? Presumably real things; she’s super intelligent!
Am I repressing it because of my inclination? Presumably yes. But we follow our inclinations as long as they don’t harm us or others. And so the question remains as it was.
This makes me think how convenient and easy it is for those who have a guru/rabbi.
Just sharing some thoughts from my heart (maybe there’s no point in publishing my comment).
Thank you very much!!
May God be with you wherever you turn.