Q&A: Regrets and Thoughts of Repentance Even Though Reason Points Otherwise
Regrets and Thoughts of Repentance Even Though Reason Points Otherwise
Question
Hello. Let me begin by saying that whatever one might think about me does not reflect the truth — including what I sometimes express about you. In general, thinking misleads us about everyone, and the Sages already noted that it is not for us to judge. I express thoughts without restraint and let my mind run free, but that does not reflect who I am. I exaggerate things deliberately, and I have my reasons. I’m climbing down from the tree I climbed up and writing without cynicism. It’s true that I am far from observing Jewish law and the commandments, and the questions and doubts do not stop. But sometimes I go through regrets and thoughts of repentance, despite the absurdity that reason points me toward. What distanced me from Judaism was morality. My ideal is goodness and morality, even if everyone else acts differently. And there are things that draw me back closer, like changes in Jewish law [which I am sure were the true will of the Sages], or even the shortened prayer book that someone posted here. It is true that the Hebrew Bible distances me, but the hypothesis that things written there were written by scribes and did not really happen as described brings me closer. Capital punishments handed down by a religious court distance me, but the hypothesis that this never actually happened and was only a warning sign brings me closer. The Sages draw me closer. Whether psychological or not, that is what happens. I sometimes wonder to myself where I was in earlier times and where I am today, and about the new faces that have come here — and it is not for the good or for a blessing. My question is: is there any value or importance to those regrets and thoughts of repentance even though reason points otherwise?
Answer
I don’t know. I think not. Psychology has no value; only a person’s decisions do. And if you have decided in one direction and psychology pulls you to other places, that is forced on you. In my opinion, it does not have much value. There is, of course, value in reexamining your positions in order to come closer to the truth. But from your description, it sounds like this is not an examination, but only an awakening of various thoughts in a way that does not depend on you.
Apparently it is psychological. Today, for example, I found myself more distant than when these things were written here. For some reason, I sometimes feel incomplete without Judaism. Obviously I am always examining things, because I am after the truth. But I do not see my ideal ever changing; the truth is clear to me in the ideal of goodness and morality. And this does not come to me from study — it was always ingrained in my soul. Only what? Absurd or not, in today’s religious society (I’m not referring now to other periods in history — like the biblical period), I see that goodness more fully realized. In today’s secular / free society I see lack of boundaries and emptiness, and also evil. The people involved among the religious (not as a generalization) are different. There are good traits and values among religious people.