Q&A: How can I deal with being afraid to tell the truth because I’m afraid of my parents’ reaction?
How can I deal with being afraid to tell the truth because I’m afraid of my parents’ reaction?
Question
Hello and blessings. This is a very personal question, but I’m really writing from the heart. I came across you around age 15 (today I’m 18), and your ideas have influenced me a lot. The problem is that the education I grew up with was pretty conservative and irrational, and I couldn’t bring up what I think because I was afraid of how my parents would react. There was a period when I took a break from your material because of this clearly irrational fear of drawing the conclusions and saying what seems true to me. Lately I’ve come back to it, and I’m no longer willing to cooperate with the religious falsehoods that were instilled in me from a young age (everything is God and from God, the entire Torah was given at Sinai, you’re not allowed to disagree with any rabbi, the Torah and Jewish thought have factual authority, and so on). But tactically, I don’t know how to deal with my parents and my religious brother. (I have a brother and sister who left religion, not for rational reasons, just because it was more fun for them.) If my parents hear that I think there is no providence, they’ll stone me. In our house it’s always “thank God,” “everything is from God,” etc. I know you say that a person should acknowledge the truth and all that, but I’d be glad if you would share your opinion on the issue, especially from your perspective as a parent, and how I should conduct myself tactically. With great love and appreciation for you and your life’s work. (By the way, because I saw there was once a debate about whether you have a positive religious influence on people, I wanted to say that thanks to you I have both a kippah on my head and a head under the kippah—as in the well-known line.)
Answer
Hello,
Indeed, in general I really am in favor of directness and transparency. Hiding things doesn’t help, and it also doesn’t last. At some stage it will come out.
I would recommend that you start dripping it out slowly, little by little, that you have your own views. (I’m guessing they already sense it.) Maybe you can make use of my authority as a rabbi 🙂 and say that you have another rabbi. (That’s the rabbi who forbids listening to your own voice.) You’ve reached age 18, and it’s reasonable that you’ll stand your ground.
Since you already have two siblings who left religion, you actually have an advantage:
A. Your parents have already gone through difficult processes, so you may be surprised by their ability to contain this. Sometimes we see the shadow of mountains as mountains. The fact that they are conservative doesn’t mean they can’t contain different views in their children. Even if it takes some time, in the end they will contain it, and so the difficulty is only in the initial moments. That’s preferable to the ongoing difficulty of hiding. Gather courage and deal with it.
B. Unlike your siblings, you’re offering them an option that remains religious, just in a different way. I assume that from their perspective too, that’s better.
By the way, you can also tell them that perhaps their conservative outlook is what led to your siblings’ leaving religion. (Even if they didn’t base it on logical arguments, that is almost always there in the background. People lose trust and then leave, even if they don’t look for a rational anchor.) Explain to them that precisely the slimming-down of your theology is what keeps you committed to Jewish law. Would they prefer that you continue holding onto a view you don’t identify with, and then after some time you may end up abandoning everything?
Note that this last point is already a kind of feedback from you to them (and not just a claim about yourself), and as their child you need to do this gently and sensitively. It’s not pleasant to hear criticism of your way of life, certainly not from your own child.
It may be that you need to initiate an orderly conversation about the matter and not just blurt it out in passing. But that conversation should be conducted sensitively and gradually. And maybe it should be a series of several conversations: first say that you’re searching for an outlook you can identify with more. In the next conversation say that you’re starting to find one. Like Esther’s two banquets.
In conversations like these, you are sharing and making clear to them where you stand, and that itself comes from respect for them.
And one final note: if they see that this does not reduce your commitment to Jewish law or your seriousness about Judaism, I assume they will respect it more. Part of the difficulty is that they associate this with being lax.
Wishing you much success, and I’m at your service if you think I can help with anything.
Discussion on Answer
Thank you very much, Rabbi 🙂
My parents would prefer that I be secular because it’s easier for me than that I hold your views, and all the more so my own views, which are even more extreme…
Most religious people prefer secular people over religious people who think for themselves (“light” religious types). Look at the difference in attitude in the religious public between Bennett and Bibi. My mother once said she doesn’t even know if Bennett is religious at all.
With God’s help, eve of the New Moon of Tevet 5784
To the pleasant one—greetings,
We have heard that parents are commanded to educate their children, and even in that there is an age at which parents say, “Blessed is He who has exempted me from this one’s punishment,” meaning from responsibility for educating the child. But we have not heard that a son has an obligation to preach his views to his parents.
By contrast, we have heard that a son has an obligation to show gratitude to his parents and to avoid causing them pain. Therefore, it seems to me that it is not out of fear that you should refrain from sharing your innovative views with your parents, but rather out of reverence, respect, and gratitude toward them, and out of fulfilling the commandment of the Omnipresent, blessed be He, who commanded respect and reverence for them.
With blessings, Fish”l