Q&A: Matters of Conscience
Matters of Conscience
Question
Good afternoon
I wanted to ask about letting one’s eyes wander in a sexual way — not from a Jewish law perspective, but from a moral one toward one’s wife.
When a man goes and sleeps with another woman, most people would agree that this is betrayal and improper; many people would say the same about watching porn.
The question is about a common everyday situation: a man is in a store or on a bus and he looks at women for a few seconds in a sexual way. It attracts him, and he looks —
not just a split-second glance because women happened to pass by just then.
Is that a kind of betrayal at a lower intensity?
Or since this is the nature of a man, is it understandable and human to stumble in this area? Just as a man is not supposed to feel guilty about the mere fact that he wants other women, because that is sometimes his nature, so too perhaps his conscience should be clear regarding occasional lingering looks.
Answer
A distinction needs to be made here between a question of what is between a man and his wife and a question of what is between a man and his Creator (his personal morality). As for his wife, I assume it depends on how much she objects to it, and perhaps also on the effect such looks have on his attitude toward her. As for his personal morality, I assume that such lingering looks do carry some element of defect, at least insofar as this goes beyond what is natural.
Discussion on Answer
I have no idea when it comes to personal work on this. You need to try to control yourself and not do it even though you feel like it. First of all, awareness and paying attention. There’s no need to go into tailspins and endless frustration. Otherwise it takes over you, and that’s an even worse situation. Just pay attention and try not to slip up.
How do you think one can work on this?
Meaning, in terms of motivation.