Q&A: Girls and Boys — Shall the Two of Them Walk Together?
Girls and Boys — Shall the Two of Them Walk Together?
Question
Hello Rabbi,
I’m a student in a Religious Zionist yeshiva (the very one where you began your own path, by the way). With the start of the break the day before yesterday, a question that has been bothering me for quite a long time came up again: what should my relationship be to girls, the opposite sex? I’ll divide my question into a few parts:
A. Is there any place at all for a relationship with girls? Is there room to distinguish between different stages of life (whether mine or theirs)? It’s clear to me that total detachment is not a particularly good option, and complete promiscuity is obviously problematic; but what about a deep emotional connection, while of course observing halakhic boundaries (assuming they don’t include something that contradicts such a relationship)?
B. With some of them, my connection revolves around Torah study. With one of them I’ve been learning Daf Yomi for more than three years already (she is a true Torah scholar, and by far the best study partner I have, including study partners from the yeshiva), and with another I’m learning tractate Kiddushin at a slower pace. Is that problematic from a halakhic standpoint, or otherwise? Or perhaps it is דווקא more justified than ‘just an ordinary relationship’? [The study sessions are by phone, so there is no concern about seclusion and the like; my concern is mainly about problematic emotional closeness.]
And maybe one should distinguish between learning Kiddushin and learning the Jerusalem Talmud on Demai or the laws of disqualified consecrated offerings, say?
C. At the beginning of the winter term, someone approached me and said that she liked me. I gently made it clear that I wasn’t interested; but the case caused me to wonder about a romantic relationship in principle. It is clear to me that marriage is not relevant right now (not in terms of maturity or anything like that, simply practically speaking: if I’m planning to sign a ketubah, I ought to have a way to support my wife) at least for the next two years — is it reasonable to enter into a relationship knowing that it would have to wait such a long time? Maybe it’s better simply to postpone this whole business until a later stage? (Assuming there is someone relevant and the feelings are mutual between us)
It may be that there is no clear halakhic ruling, and if so I would be happy to hear your personal and principled opinion. Thank you very, very much in advance.
Answer
It’s hard to give a general answer to questions like these.
On the halakhic level, there is no prohibition on such relationships, except where this may lead to forbidden thoughts or actions. In my personal opinion there is no obstacle, and if it is a relationship centered around Torah then all the more so it is a good thing. Maybe a romantic relationship will also grow out of it. Certainly if she is such a good study partner.
There is also value in enabling women to advance in Torah study, which is much harder for them, since they do not have frameworks and conditions that make it possible.
Excessive avoidance of interaction with the opposite sex also has costs, and in my view such an obsession is unhealthy. We live in a mixed society, and therefore it is not right to create an artificial barrier. On the contrary, it is proper to aim for a relationship centered around Torah and things of value.
As for the timing of a romantic relationship, if you can wait until you have a livelihood, that may be appropriate. But note that the years go by, and that there may be improper thoughts. Besides, until you actually have a profession, quite a few years will pass (until the end of your studies). It is doubtful whether it is worthwhile or right to wait until then. In any case, nowadays the ketubah obligation to support your wife is a dead letter. Today the situation is mutual, and there is no problem with the two of you sharing the burden of earning a living. Be careful not to cling to outdated dogmas when making such decisions.