Q&A: High School Relationship
High School Relationship
Question
Dear Rabbi Michael Abraham, hello.
I am a high-school-age girl (17, finishing 11th grade). At the beginning of the year I started learning Talmud in a study partnership with one of the boys from the community where I live. He is a year older than I am.
Recently we discovered that we have mutual feelings for one another (maybe I should have realized it earlier; we are learning tractate Kiddushin together… :).
Is it right to be in a relationship even when there is no real possibility of marriage in the next three years? (He is going to yeshiva and afterward to extended IDF service; I will still be in high school next year, and afterward national/civilian service or military service.)
Seemingly the solution is simply to wait until marriage becomes relevant; but it is hard for me to believe that will succeed. I don’t think we will manage to stay in “just friendship” without “sliding” into a romantic relationship. In other words, the choice is between greatly distancing our relationship and beginning to date.
And alongside all that, does the Rabbi think we are allowed to learn together? There is something very intimate and bonding about learning in a study partnership, and perhaps that is something that should be saved for after marriage, or at least for a more advanced stage of a relationship…
It should be noted that he is a God-fearing young man, and we are very careful about the laws of seclusion and refraining from physical contact, etc. True, “there is no guardian against sexual impropriety,” but it is really hard for me to imagine a situation in which we would come to transgression.
Thank you very much in advance.
Answer
Hello Yael. You asked a very difficult question, and one that is highly worthy of appreciation.
In principle, it is forbidden to place oneself in a situation where there is concern for forbidden sexual thoughts (sexual, not love), even if they will not come to actual practical realization. On the other hand, from your description this is a relationship of great value, and if indeed the situation is that both of you feel this could eventually be formalized in marriage (it would be worthwhile to make sure of this in an open conversation between you), it would not be right to instruct you to cut it off.
What I would suggest is to continue this relationship, and to establish safeguards, as firm as possible, that will prevent drifting into forbidden territory. Thoughts cannot be controlled, but one can try. In any case, in my opinion this concern does not justify severing the relationship. You can learn on Zoom, for example. Beyond that, you can also go out together beyond the learning itself, in a proper and supervised way, like any young couple.
If years pass and you still feel this way, formalize the relationship through marriage. There is no obligation to wait until after the army. If you feel mature and your sense is clear, it can be done earlier too. Not at age 17, of course.
Much success, and may your strength be for Torah.
By the way, if you are interested in making significant progress in learning Talmud, perhaps I have an idea for you. Contact me by email or WhatsApp.
Discussion on Answer
If these are girls in 12th grade, there is Yeshivat Derisha in Kfar Etzion, and my daughter is currently running a one-week program for girls who have finished 12th grade. For others, I do not have a concrete suggestion other than studying at the yeshiva there or in other frameworks. Of course, for questions and consultation you can always contact me.
mikyab@gmail.com
Also possible through here:
Yehudarot.co.il/gmara
Hello Rabbi,
I am not the one who wrote the question, but I would be happy to have the Rabbi’s email. I know a few girls who expressed interest (in advancing in Talmud study) and would also be glad to contact you.
Shabbat shalom