Q&A: The Meaning of Life
The Meaning of Life
Question
Hello Rabbi,
My name is Shay, married with five children. I’m a graduate of a yeshiva high school, hesder, settlement life… the familiar, well-known track. In recent years, questions of faith began to eat away at me, and I even "left religion because I wasn’t getting answers." That’s because I can’t understand the meaning of life.
At first, what started gnawing at me was the question of reward and punishment. Why do the righteous suffer and the wicked prosper? I came to the conclusion that there is no order at all, since everything happens to everyone without exception from God / reality / the force of nature, etc.—men, women, religious people of every kind and type, children, non-Jews—in short, simply everyone. Nothing that happens around me surprises me anymore: not illness, not trouble, not death, simply nothing, because it’s clear to me that anything can happen to any person at any given moment. I know the answers—that we do not understand the Holy One’s calculations, that this world is a corridor, that there is rectification, and so on and so on. But even assuming these answers are true, I still don’t understand the purpose.
What for? Is our whole life, this whole worldly existence, for the sake of the Messiah? For the Temple? In order to draw close to the Creator? Why were people killed for sanctifying God’s name for thousands of years? Are human beings toys? Why do I, a private individual named Shay, have to "play" this game called life? Our whole existence, our labor, our efforts, our daily routine with all its insane complexity—illnesses, troubles, joys, pleasures—were we created as playthings for the Creator? I can’t understand the purpose, the essence. And if I choose not to play the Creator’s game, if I don’t want to participate in the rules He gave human beings, why am I forced to? And if I’m not forced, why should I be "punished" for it? I understand that being a religious person makes things easier—there’s always someone to rely on and lean on—but that reliance feels to me like a joke that isn’t funny.
Because the cause of the "troubles" and difficulties a person encounters is the Creator Himself. To me, the answer of free choice is irrelevant.
Because at the beginning of the "game," and during it, people are dealt winning or losing cards given by the Creator. I mean that one person is born rich / smart / poor / into a good family / a non-Jew / and another million different variations in the game, with no possibility of choosing the starting point from which I begin. And again, the answers of “according to the suffering is the reward,” or that we should appreciate and strive in order to reach heights in our lives, or so that we should feel fulfilled and not receive free gifts, and other such answers—none of these satisfy me, because again… if I had had the option to choose whether to be born or not, I probably would have chosen not to, because of life’s complexity. I agree with the statement that it would have been better for a person not to have been created… but I’m already here without having chosen, and so the question comes back: what am I here for? For the Messiah, the Temple, and drawing close to the Creator??? I’m simply not interested. In terms of values, I have one value only: not to harm myself or others, and to take care of my family, nothing more. Everything else doesn’t interest me. My question is too long to put fully into writing, so I shortened it and tried to write the main points. I’m turning to the Rabbi with this question even though I’ve already left religion. Only my spouse knows this. My community friends are not aware of it, nor are my children, although I would like to "come out of the religious closet." But for cost-benefit reasons concerning my family, I am refraining from declaring it and from going bareheaded in public, even though I understand that this would work against me. Still, I respect my wife, who is asking this of me for now.
Thank you very much,
Shay
Answer
See the column I just posted now (222). That is the starting point for the discussion. After that, each question can be examined separately. There are a great many here, so if you’d like, please raise them one by one. I’d be happy to discuss each of them. You have quite a few underlying assumptions here (including ones that represent the religious position) that I do not agree with. Beyond that, you first need to examine why be committed at all? Is it in order to fulfill some need, or because of a commitment to truth? That is missing from your discussion here. Again, see my comments in the above column.
By the way, as advice from me: I am against social lies of this kind. It is healthier and more correct to be transparent and not to hide. No one will gain from it, and the children will only come out more confused. In my opinion, it is better for them to know that their father is not religious. But it may be worthwhile to first carry out a real clarification before making a final decision.
Discussion on Answer
My comment is directed at the Rabbi’s advice to share this distressing information with the children.
The answer is in the question itself (= because of the belittling of psychologists).
I did consider it, and I don’t think a psychologist has any additional relevant knowledge. A person gives advice from his experience and doesn’t run to a psychologist over every little thing. Especially since this is advice and not an instruction. Advice has no restrictions. Of course the questioner may accept or reject my advice, like any other advice. That goes without saying, and there is no need to state it.
I wonder where the Rabbi gets this psychological wisdom from? The Rabbi has no background at all in child psychology. As far as I know, the Rabbi belittles this field. Did the Rabbi consider the consequences that this knowledge might have for the children, without knowing their personalities? Maybe the Rabbi is right and maybe the Rabbi is wrong, but in my opinion the questioner should consult a psychologist who knows his children.
Of course I agree with the Rabbi’s view regarding the concern of “what will people say,” which a person should not pay attention to. But children in a home who are used to something—this kind of change could be dangerous.
I really feel that the Rabbi is acting like the rabbis of Bnei Brak, issuing rulings on all kinds of things he has no knowledge of.
My words are not meant to criticize the Rabbi; my main point is directed to the questioner. In my opinion, he should not listen to the Rabbi on this matter until he asks an expert.