Q&A: The Dating System in the Sector
The Dating System in the Sector
Question
Dear Rabbi Michi,
What is the dating-for-marriage system based on? In other words, where does the permission come from for a young man and woman to meet each other over a long period of time? I assume this is based in part on “until he sees her,” but what is included in that permission? After all, in the vast majority of cases it spills over from a limited set of meetings in a restrained and cautious setting into a long series of dates and a very emotionally intense relationship.
In other words, even if the rabbis’ instruction is to do this in a restrained and specific way, almost all couples don’t really pay attention to that, and many times they end up at the point of “but he should not look in a lustful way” (Maimonides), or in forbidden seclusion and forbidden physical contact.
And in general, according to the logic of “until he sees her,” it would seem that after the engagement the couple should almost separate from each other, no?
(I don’t have an alternative, of course)
Thank you
Answer
It is based on common sense, not on one Talmudic instruction or another. True, interaction between the sexes can lead to problematic acts, but that is true of any such interaction. There is no clear line as to how much is permitted and from when it becomes forbidden, and I also do not think that the very existence of such a meeting involves a halakhic prohibition. Once it reaches forbidden thoughts, there is a prohibition. The same questions also arise regarding the very existence of a mixed society, and of course everything depends on the norms prevailing in that society.
I haven’t gone into shidduchim yet, but it seems to me that aside from prohibitions related to modesty, there are also interpersonal wrongs if they didn’t meet….