Q&A: Conversation
Conversation
Question
It is said, “Do not engage in excessive conversation with a woman.”
1) Why?
2) Is the situation different today, and is it preferable to speak with her more?
3) I’ve heard in several lectures that communication itself, speech between spouses, is the foundation for a perfect and happy marriage. How does that fit with this Mishnah?
Answer
- I think the Sages’ view of women was not all that positive. They sometimes related to them as objects of temptation. Beyond that, conversation with them is usually involvement in trivial, marginal matters, since women were not supposed to engage in Torah study.
- In light of the above, I assume so.
- It seems that speaking between them for the sake of building the marital bond is not the same as excessive conversation in the plain sense.
Discussion on Answer
There’s no problem with speaking more, just as with a man. Conversations that have value are desirable. Empty conversation is permitted, though not especially praiseworthy.
Responsa Yabia Omer, part 6, Orach Chayim, siman 13:
…And see the book Derekh Pikudekha (prohibition no. 35), who noted the fact that people are not so careful about what the Sages commanded, “Do not engage in excessive conversation with a woman.” And in Eruvin (53b), when Rabbi Yose the Galilean asked Beruriah, “Which road shall we take to Lod?” she answered him: “Galilean fool! Didn’t the Sages say, ‘Do not engage in excessive conversation with a woman’? He should have said only, ‘Which to Lod?’” And we do not find that Torah scholars who fear God weigh their words so precisely so as not to speak excessively with a woman. And it seems to me, based on what the Levush wrote, that nowadays, when women are commonly among us, there are not so many sinful thoughts in this, for they are like white geese to us.
See Maimonides’ commentary on the Mishnah.
He writes that this is a recommendation (like all the recommendations in Pirkei Avot) not to engage in much conversation about matters of sexual relations with your wife when no action is intended… all the more so with another man’s wife, where it should of course never lead to action…
In short: free conversation is fine, except for matters of sexual relations.
Regarding #2, is it preferable to speak more, or is it just that there’s no problem with speaking more?