Q&A: Investigating Faith
Investigating Faith
Question
Hello, Rabbi.
I am 17 years old, and next year I will probably be in a hesder yeshiva. I’ve had doubts about faith for quite a while now. These doubts frightened me מאוד during the past few months (maybe even a year or more), so I decided to leave it alone. Now I’m thinking of using my time in yeshiva, alongside the learning, to examine my beliefs. I have a few questions for the Rabbi:
A. Is it okay to go to yeshiva with the goal of examining my faith and searching for the truth? Isn’t that using Torah as a spade to dig with? I do want to learn; I don’t yet know if it will really be for its own sake, but the main part of my motivation is definitely to invest time in searching for the right path..
B. Why is truth relevant? Meaning, after all, I will probably never arrive at the truth. I can be very convinced, but how do I know that I’m the one who is right? If there are so many smart people with different beliefs, yet there is still only one truth—why do I still need to chase after it? In other words, isn’t just going with the flow in life a great alternative to a stubborn search for the truth, when I don’t even know whether it will ever end?
Answer
A. Good question. Simply speaking, you are released from the army in order to study Torah. But if you are not sure that you want to study, it is not clear that there is justification for your being released from the army. On the other hand, the search itself also has value, and in my opinion one may go to yeshiva in such a situation. In any case, if you find that you do not want to learn, you will leave the yeshiva and do full military service.
B. A judge has only what his eyes can see. What is incumbent on each of us is to formulate our own position and worldview to the best of our ability. There is always a concern that perhaps I am not right, but there is no way to reach certainty. And still, we are not free to exempt ourselves from the inquiry itself. Just going with the flow is escape and laziness. You can read here on the site Column 247.
The fact that there are smart people who hold different views will not get you anywhere. You are supposed to listen to the views and the arguments, weigh them yourself, and arrive at a position of your own. At some stage, when you reach the conclusion that your position is well-formed, you can stop the obsession with searching. Mere skeptical musings have no value at all. A real doubt absolutely does require attention.
Discussion on Answer
I didn’t understand the question. If in any case you’ll do full service, then what’s the dilemma? The deferment? That has no significance at all.
Regarding the service, I will probably do full service anyway. God willing, I want to go for a year to a year and a half, and if I don’t want to continue in hesder, I’ll enlist normally for three full years. My choice of this track is largely so as not to avoid full military service just in order to be in yeshiva, and also because it stresses me out to set a five-year track in advance.
My question is about this year itself: isn’t there, God forbid, a use here of words of Torah for private needs? I have doubts, I really haven’t decided one way or the other yet, and I do want this time.