Q&A: Does a Wife Follow Her Husband’s Customs?
Does a Wife Follow Her Husband’s Customs?
Question
Rabbi Michael, hello,
Thank you for the content and the website.
According to Jewish law, after marriage, is a woman obligated to conduct herself according to her husband's customs?
If so, what are the parameters? Does this include prayer/blessing liturgies, holiday customs, etc.? Is it only when there are children, or even before that?
For example, if a Sephardic woman married an Ashkenazi man (or vice versa, of course), does she need to change the way she lights Sabbath candles to the Ashkenazi custom? Does she need to recite Grace after Meals in the Ashkenazi liturgy?
Thank you very much.
Answer
The common practice is yes, but that itself is also just a custom. This mainly applies to things shared by both of them. Personal matters of hers, like prayer, she can keep the customs of her family home if that is important to her.
Discussion on Answer
She can use her own liturgy and educate the children according to the husband's liturgy. But in principle, her own customs can also be adopted for the children in matters connected to her.
Beyond that, the question of confusion is not a halakhic question but a practical one. You can think about that yourselves.
What does the Rabbi think is the right and/or more beneficial approach on this issue?
There is no single right or beneficial approach here. It depends on what matters to each spouse, and how much. If there is a disagreement that you can't resolve, it is reasonable to go with the prevailing custom, meaning to adopt the husband's customs. But if it gets to the point that this is so fundamental and neither side is willing to compromise, that says something unhealthy about the relationship between the spouses.
What about glatt meat?
Same thing.
Are candle lighting and the wording of Grace after Meals considered something shared by both of them? Especially in the context of daughters/sons. Doesn't this open the door to confusion?