Q&A: Honoring Parents
Honoring Parents
Question
Hello Rabbi,
I wanted to ask: I smoke, and my mother is very repulsed by that habit and keeps urging me to stop. On a related matter, I study in a Lithuanian yeshiva, and I devote most of my time to Talmudic analysis, while my mother wants me to study Jewish law in a rabbinical ordination track. My question is whether there is an obligation, or even some reason, to listen to her about this. And if there is no obligation, I would be glad to hear an explanation of the distinction between the core of the commandment, where a person is obligated to give up his time for honoring parents—feeding them, clothing them, and so on—where one is required to give up time and personal preferences for his parents, and a way of life that his parents want him to live, where presumably there is no such obligation. In other words, why is a person obligated to devote his day-to-day life to his parents, but not his life path? Again, assuming there is a difference. Thank you very much.
Answer
The difference is very great. When it comes to a need of the parents, there is an obligation to listen to them. When it comes to instructions directed at you, there is no such obligation (although the medieval authorities dispute this in Yevamot 6, but that is my view). And when the matter concerns commandments or Torah study choices (such as what to study when one is learning Torah), there is certainly no obligation to listen.
But of course, if you are supported financially by your parents and they make that conditional on your listening to them, then either give up their financial support or listen to them. And likewise if they demand professional training as above. See also my article, “Limits on Honoring Parents,” here on the site. a0