Question

I apologize for the question—but it really bothers me, and because of that I don’t always manage to cope…
I understand very well that it’s forbidden because it’s written in the Torah, and there’s no playing games here: if the Holy One, blessed be He, said it’s forbidden, then it’s forbidden and it harms the soul, plain and simple!
But I still stumble… and obviously it would help me to understand why it is harmful on the level of ordinary physical life, something that even someone who doesn’t believe could understand.
And yes, I know about the problem it can create in a relationship. At the moment I’m single, and it’s hard for me to live with this, but even when I stumble it’s only once every few weeks, so I don’t know how much of it will continue after marriage… [Could a woman want to separate just from the fact that you sometimes stumble, or only because it would lead to actually having relations with a woman? What do people mean when they say it destroys homes?]
I know it’s imaginary and that relationships don’t really look like that… but unfortunately I’ve already stumbled and watched, so if it would interfere on the level of sexual relations themselves, then in any case it would interfere…
I know it’s addictive, but that’s not convincing enough [especially because I manage to avoid it during certain periods]
Even during periods when I stumble, I still manage to study Talmud [relatively complex passages], so I don’t see any disturbance on that level [you can always say that if I hadn’t watched it would have been better, but that’s only maybe, and besides, during periods when I don’t watch I don’t feel more focused in learning]
I’m asking why is it so disgusting? Why do people say, “It’s disgusting”? I agree that there are videos that are really disgusting, but quite a few just depict intense desires that, unfortunately, are enjoyable to watch… I’m trying to understand why the thing itself is so wrong [and not only why it has problematic external effects]
I also don’t really understand the idea of “desecrating the holy act,” that people are violating something intimate and modest… because we’re not talking about real couples [though there are videos like that, but most aren’t] but about actors, who are acting and displaying desire…

Again, sorry for the question