Q&A: An Unworthy Prayer Leader
An Unworthy Prayer Leader
Question
Hello Rabbi,
I’m struggling a lot with temptation. Sometimes I fall into wasting seed, looking at inappropriate things, and sinful thoughts…
For many years they’ve invited me to serve as the prayer leader on the High Holy Days, and I’m not worthy. On the other hand, canceling at the last minute isn’t right, and they’ll have trouble finding someone.
How can I do real repentance, even if I literally just fell now, and unfortunately there’s a danger that I’ll fall again (even though I truly, truly don’t want that), and still be worthy? Or do I need to cancel?
Answer
I think there is no obligation to cancel. Many people stumble in this, and it’s hard to treat it as wickedness. Certainly when there are difficulties finding a replacement, and there is also embarrassment involved and the like. Certainly if you can repent, even if in your estimation you won’t hold out afterward, the rule is: "where he is at that moment" (and that is the meaning of Maimonides’ words: "until the Knower of secrets testifies concerning him that he will never return to this sin again").