Q&A: Can a child who was sexually abused by a parent relate to them as though they are not a parent?
Can a child who was sexually abused by a parent relate to them as though they are not a parent?
Question
Hello,
Is, from the standpoint of Jewish law, a person who was sexually abused by a parent (father or mother) obligated in all the usual things toward that parent, or can it be that, as far as the victim is concerned, the parent is not a parent at all, with all that implies (no need to honor them in any way, may curse them, etc. — that is, they are ***not obligated in anything whatsoever*** toward them, and it is as though this were just some random person off the street, with no halakhic status applying to them at all)?
Answer
This is a complicated question. Briefly, there are several aspects here: the father is wicked, but as a matter of Jewish law there is still an obligation to honor even a wicked father. The father harmed me, and seemingly my obligation toward him should therefore not exist. But that is only if we assume that this obligation is a kind of gratitude. And even then, as I wrote in my article about gratitude, there is also an ontic obligation of gratitude — that is, an obligation toward the one who brought me into being (regardless of whether he benefited me). In such a situation, I think that by logic there is an obligation to honor him, but one may distance oneself and cut off contact so that one will not have to face these dilemmas.
Discussion on Answer
A. Is this a case of the reason for the verse — an obligation based on gratitude (not ontic gratitude) plus the reasoning that recognition of the bad can cancel out recognition of the good?
B. Is there an internal halakhic source for using the reasoning of ontic gratitude (even if only as an interpretive definition of a Torah obligation we already know)? Or is there none, and there doesn’t need to be one?
A. I didn’t understand the reasoning. But this is a kind of the reason for the verse, as is common (a defining framework and not necessarily a reason).
B. There is a biblical source: “Is this how you repay the Lord, O base and unwise people? Is He not your Father, your Maker, who acquired you? He made you and established you.” There are two reasons for gratitude: He made you and He established you. But in my view this is simple reasoning, and no source is needed.
Thanks
[A. The reasoning I understood from your first answer is that ordinary gratitude is a kind of weighted balance, and if he did both bad and good, then the gratitude is canceled. Seemingly one could argue that gratitude stands on its own and recognition of harm stands on its own, like what they say about the World to Come, that a transgression (even if it extinguishes a commandment) does not extinguish Torah study.]
The meaning of the biblical illustration, according to what seems to emerge from part of Rashi’s commentary, is that the verse contains two parallel components — one value-based and one utilitarian. “A base people,” because He is your Father who acquired you; and “not wise,” because He made you and established you (it is foolish to bite the hand that benefits you, lest it become angry). “A base people” — because they forgot what had been done for them. “Not wise” — because they do not understand future consequences, that it is in His power to do good and to do harm.
With God's help, 8 Tevet 5781
Reason itself suggests that a person is obligated in gratitude to his father and mother, who gave him his life, and the obligation of gratitude for life itself is not nullified because of resentment over suffering or damage later caused by the one who gave him life.
Similarly, one should show gratitude to someone who saved his life for that act, even if later that rescuer caused him harm — after all, he is alive thanks to his rescuer, and for that he should thank him.
Even more so: even if the giving of life itself involved severe harm — for example, a mamzer, who from the moment he is born has that status — nevertheless the Shulchan Arukh ruled (Yoreh De'ah 240:18) that he is obligated to honor his father and mother.
With blessings, Yair Fishel Ordner
And perhaps even according to the Rema, who disagrees and holds that one is not obligated to honor his sinful father until he repents, it could be said that in this situation, in which he is not obligated to honor his father, for the same reason he is not obligated to follow the rulings of the Rema, which his ancestors accepted as practice. And consequently the ruling of the local halakhic authority, Rabbi Yosef Karo, applies to him — namely, that one is obligated to honor his father even if he is sinful. 🙂
I wasn’t discussing offsets, but by logic it seems that there is an offset here. Since I cannot repay him with evil for the evil, there is no reason to repay him for the good.
Nehorai, nice explanation. Some biblical commentators say as I do. If I remember correctly, for example, Rabbi Yosef Karo (the author’s uncle).
Let me just correct that there is a dispute among halakhic decisors regarding honoring a wicked father, and I wrote in accordance with the view of the Shulchan Arukh (Yoreh De'ah 240:18). In any case, according to most opinions, even if there is no obligation to honor him, there is still a prohibition against disgracing him. I repeat my recommendation to cut off contact.