Q&A: Gimmel
Gimmel
Question
Hello,
I went out on a first date. In the evening we ate at a not-cheap restaurant. I paid, and that night she sent me a message saying it wasn’t a match for her. Obviously, if I had known that was her decision, I wouldn’t have paid for her and we would have split it fifty-fifty. Is she obligated to pay me back? And what if she admits that already during the date itself she had decided it wasn’t right for her (but that it’s accepted practice not to say so to someone’s face, but to wait and word a message afterward)? I’m a little upset and honestly feel taken advantage of.
Answer
I think it is standard practice not to say it to the person’s face, and you paid with that understanding. That’s the dating world, and a person needs to be familiar with it when deciding whether and how much to pay. If she wants, beyond the letter of the law, to return her share, that would be a nice thing to do (especially if she had already decided during the date itself that it wasn’t right for her). But in my opinion she is under no obligation.
Discussion on Answer
I see in the second message a sign of learning from terumah and nobility of spirit: to write another casual message with an expression of care and a heartfelt good wish. More power to Rabbi Michi.
Of course, I wish you success going forward. Don’t lose heart. But I also wouldn’t try to pay for an expensive meal. That’s not what is supposed to do the job and create a good connection with a good woman.