Q&A: Sexosophy
Sexosophy
Question
I heard today in the name of Maimonides that sexual desire (toward your wife, of course) is not a good thing—that there is something problematic about it, something low or dirty, as if it is a kind of after-the-fact concession, on the level of “a sin committed for the sake of Heaven.” As Maimonides says in the Guide, “the sense of touch is a disgrace to us.”
Is that philosophically correct? In other words, in the philosophy of sexuality (“sexosophy”), is it true that marital intercourse (when it is permitted according to Jewish law) is indeed a need, but a lowly need, etc., as written above? And if it is not true, then do we simply say that Maimonides was mistaken?
Answer
Maimonides’ words were said in the Guide for the Perplexed, which is a philosophical text. You could have asked an even stronger question from the Shulchan Arukh, Orach Chayim 240:1:
And even when he is with her, he should not intend his own pleasure, but rather like a person paying a debt that he owes for her conjugal rights, and to fulfill the commandment of his Creator that he have children who engage in Torah and keep the commandments in Israel. Likewise, if he intends for the well-being of the child, for in the last six months this is beneficial for it, so that it will be born fair and vigorous, that is acceptable. And if he intends to restrain himself through her so that he not desire sin, because he sees his impulse growing strong and desiring that thing. Gloss: even in this there is reward; however, it would have been better for him to push away his impulse and subdue it, for a person has a small limb: if he starves it, it is satisfied; if he satisfies it, it is hungry. But one who does not need the matter, and merely arouses his desire in order to fulfill his lust—this is the counsel of the evil inclination, and from what is permitted it will entice him to what is forbidden. And regarding this our rabbis of blessed memory said: one who deliberately causes himself an erection should be under a ban.
He writes this as Jewish law, not only as a philosophical position, so the difficulty is even greater.
Many have written at length explaining that we do not follow this approach. Any pleasure, including sexual pleasure, is legitimate so long as one does not become addicted to it and devote too much time and energy to it. This is especially true if it is done to build the home, the marital bond, and the relationship with one’s spouse (and not only in order to have children).
To be sure, some have written that this position applies only on the practical plane, because we are not on the proper spiritual level. But in my humble opinion, that is simply not correct, regardless of spiritual level. There is a difference in outlook compared to earlier generations, and for our generation it seems obvious to me that this is not correct. And again, not because of our lower stature, but because today we understand this matter differently and relate to it differently. At least in our time, it seems obvious to me that this is the proper ideal from the outset.
I seem to recall having once seen detailed and excellent explanations in a book by Rabbi Menachem Schlanger. If I remember correctly, it is the book Yad Shlucha.