Q&A: Marriage Age
Marriage Age
Question
Hello, honorable Rabbi,
I would like to ask you several questions that have been on my mind:
1. What is the most correct / most appropriate age for marriage? Is there such an age?
In tractate Avot it is stated that the marriage age for men should be between 18 and 20:
"At eighteen, for the wedding canopy, and at the latest by age twenty"
This is in order to prevent sinful thoughts, and later it is noted that this can be postponed for the sake of Torah study.
In addition, according to the medieval authorities (Rishonim) (I did not find a source for this), it is written that in any case one should not delay beyond age 22 or 24.
2. Is there any mention in the Torah that the correct / recommended age for marriage is 18? Or is there mention of some other age?
3. How is it possible to set such an age range as the most recommended one for marriage for the general population? After all, we know that each and every person’s emotional development is different and varies for thousands of reasons.
4. What transgressions are being referred to when it says "sinful thoughts"? And are there additional serious transgressions that one is exposed to when being in a relationship without marriage?
5. Why is the argument made from the commandment of being fruitful and multiplying? After all, if the couple gets married, even if it is at age 30, they can still merit to fulfill the commandment.
6. I would also be happy to understand the source of the prohibition on having sexual relations without marriage between a couple, and why it exists.
Thank you in advance
Answer
- So what are you asking me? Whether in my opinion the medieval authorities (Rishonim) are right?
- I’m not familiar with one.
- Indeed, in my opinion it is impossible.
- There is a transgression of forbidden erotic thoughts. See an overview, for example, here: https://he.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D7%94%D7%A8%D7%94%D7%95%D7%A8%D7%99%D7%9D_%D7%A8%D7%A2%D7%99%D7%9D
- Indeed, the commandment can also be fulfilled without that. But there is a principle that the diligent perform commandments early, so it is proper to do every commandment as early as possible.
- A fairly complicated topic. See an overview here: https://www.meshivat-nefesh.org.il/post-6/
Discussion on Answer
My opinion is that this is an individual matter. Tractate Avot is not Jewish law but recommendations that may or may not be correct, and even that depends on the time and place.
Regarding #1, I’d be glad to hear your personal opinion on the matter regardless.
In addition, I’d also be glad to hear what you think about the medieval authorities (Rishonim) and about what is said in tractate Avot.
I found another source in tractate Avot, chapter 5, mishnah 21, where it says:
"At fifteen, for Talmud study; at eighteen, for the wedding canopy; at twenty…"
Are we obligated to follow what is said there? After all, in the end this is Jewish law.