Q&A: Touching Before the Wedding
Touching Before the Wedding
Question
Hello Rabbi,
Lately I’ve been hearing about, and am personally familiar with, the problem of refraining from touch before the wedding.
We’re talking about a situation where both sides have already decided they want to get married (before the engagement), even before any touching, and then afterward refraining from touch creates distance and emotional detachment. I’ve seen several cases where this led to a breakup—not only because of that, but it contributed significantly to the atmosphere. In the end, most people don’t manage to refrain from touch [we’re talking about light touching: leaning on each other, hugging, kissing].
The question is whether there is room to permit light touching for couples (and if not, then add to the equation that this is in a place where there is no concern of seclusion).
Answer
In my opinion, no. If it causes distance, then they probably aren’t close enough to begin with.
Discussion on Answer
If it’s difficult, move the wedding up. In my opinion, there is no room to permit it.
I don’t agree with you. In relationships, physical touch is an important part, especially in a relationship that is fundamentally not platonic (and again, we’re talking about after an intellectual decision has already been made regarding the relationship). It’s also not like in Haredi circles, where “the relationship” (the acquaintance) usually lasts a period of at least half a year, so this really can weigh on things.
And if there is concern—which is natural in a relationship—together with the lack of physical closeness, when the solution could have just been a matter of time or giving advice, the heart is already blocked. The distance makes it hard to create closeness over time. At first, yes, but afterward it’s hard to maintain for the long term.