Q&A: Engaged Couples and the Gifts Eat Up a Sea of Money
Engaged Couples and the Gifts Eat Up a Sea of Money
Question
Engaged for about a year
And in the community it’s customary to give very expensive gifts between the couple. Of course, a young Hasidic groom doesn’t have a penny of his own, so the gifts are bought and sent by the parents, and likewise the praised virgin bride doesn’t pay from her empty pocket either, but the parents do. Bottom line, this is an enormous financial burden—we’re talking about tens of thousands of shekels, which is basically obligatory, and it’s a huge disgrace not to give what’s customary. Now there’s also Pesach Sheni, so more gifts; another week, Lag BaOmer, again; after that Shavuot, more… these are massive sums. What can be done?
Officially, in some communities there are ordinances not to go overboard, but even “not going overboard” is tens of thousands of shekels that simply don’t exist?
Answer
If it’s excessive, then don’t give. I don’t understand the question.
Discussion on Answer
You can just not give. Someone has to fall on the barbed wire for everyone else. Otherwise you’re all going like sheep to the slaughter.
If you’re not prepared for that, then I don’t understand what you’re asking me. If you want to kill yourself just so you won’t feel uncomfortable, then kill yourself.
Does the categorical imperative obligate him not to give, since he would want there to be a rule that people shouldn’t give too much?
There’s something to that.
If both sides think this is excessive, then why does everyone need to know whether they gave or not? Can’t they just “offset” it? Can’t the couple, who are being taken care of like those who ate the manna, manage with less and insist that none of this be broadcast to the whole world?
But it’s terribly embarrassing not to give what’s customary.
Like showing up to Sabbath prayers in slippers without socks.
It’s not forbidden, but it’s sooo low-class…
The other side doesn’t have it either, and everyone is choking.
What can be done?