Q&A: A Question Also About a Relationship
A Question Also About a Relationship
Question
Hello,
I read the previous question about a relationship, and it raised a question for me too, but from a somewhat different angle.
I’m a young woman, and I met a guy with whom I really have a lot of chemistry and connection, and the same sense of humor—we really broadcast on the same wavelength. But on the level of worldview, in my opinion there’s a bit of a gap between us. I haven’t talked with him about it too much, but I asked him what he thinks about evolution, the Big Bang, for example, and he didn’t get alarmed or reject it outright (and I know many people who would), but he said that if there’s something that contradicts the Torah then obviously not, etc.
As for me, I’ve pretty much “fallen” into all the philosophical and investigative content all the way to the extreme, and I know the atheists’ arguments quite well. On the other hand, of course I know this site and the arguments on the other side. He’s more superficial about it—he doesn’t really get into the thick of it…
The question is whether that’s critical, because on the practical level we do the same things, and it shouldn’t really interfere with a relationship—especially since our background is Haredi, and he suits me in terms of raising children in that he isn’t against core studies, and he learned a profession, which maybe sounds obvious, but from where I come from that’s not accepted, and they very much steered me toward a kollel husband, but I didn’t want that.
P.S. It feels to me that all these sector labels are like imaginary dividing lines between people, and you just have to “play the game”… So it’s also important to mention, in addition to the question, that what you’re doing is something really great, and I hope you succeed in making a substantial change in the different sectors.
Answer
Hello.
From the description you’ve presented here, if he knows your positions and from his perspective that’s fine, I don’t see any problem. There is no need whatsoever for there to be identity between spouses. Nor do they need to think the same way or have the same tendencies. If there is chemistry and a good connection, that’s the main thing. The rest will take shape as you go. It is far more logical and reasonable that you will arrive at agreements and a shared model this way than if you come into a relationship with both partners already fully formed and then expect there to be complete compatibility between them.
Discussion on Answer
First, I think yes, it is possible if in the end the day-to-day conduct is really the same, and second, I don’t think you need to hide it completely. I did throw him very controversial topics like evolution and the Big Bang (a lot of believing people could have run away from me just from hearing those words lol), so obviously there has to be more or less room for discussion, to recognize these concepts and not reject them out of hand from the outset. He also told me, “I’m in favor of doing things מתוך understanding and inquiry and not blindly,” and that’s also important to me, both in a husband and for future children.
Another thing that’s important to remember is that all these topics of faith, philosophy, and religion are very complex topics; the more you get into them, the more you discover an entire world. So you’ll never be able to find someone who is exactly on the same page as you in every detail. So, like the Rabbi said, there are a lot of things you can build later if there’s a good foundation.
As for the P.S., I agree: Haredim are less philosophical and more practical. That has advantages and disadvantages.
Of course everyone will do what they think is right, but I suggest thinking carefully before entering a relationship with the intention of hiding your real views. A husband or wife is your confidant, the person with whom you remove the masks and talk about everything. On the other hand, as long as we’re not talking about very large gaps, these aren’t really things that, in my humble opinion, affect the relationship. Once you enter the routine of family life, the weight of these things in the relationship drops significantly.
Right, sometimes we’re also talking about different ways of thinking that lead to the same result, so here too it’s much less significant. But that’s exactly why it was something I wanted to raise and ask about, because in the end there is some kind of gap. You have to look at the whole picture and think whether it can work or not—each case on its own merits; it’s not an exact science.
If these are only different ways of thinking that lead to the same result—then there’s no question at all. There’s no gap whatsoever. There’s more agreement than with a study partner on a Talmudic passage. But if there are different conceptions here regarding the entire Torah and faith, and the spouse does not share those views at all, you can’t ignore the enormous difference; it’s a different headspace. Of course you can repress it, and there’s the routine of life and so on. But a worldview regarding philosophy and religion, for people who are genuinely interested in the subject, is an important part of their lives and thoughts. To repress that in front of your spouse is not to bring before him an important part of yourself. A certain closeness is missing.
As for the end of your first comment, indeed, it’s impossible to find someone who agrees with your philosophical views exactly. But there are views that are totally different worlds. Chabad and Breslov can barely get along. Not to mention views that are considered outright heresy among the religious and Haredi worlds.
In your opinion, is it possible to be in a relationship with a person who believes wholeheartedly, when the halakhic practice is similar, and hide from him your skepticism and your true views on such significant issues?
P.S. In my opinion, in the Haredi sector this is more possible than among the Religious Zionists, ironically, because of Haredi pragmatism and the double life you pointed to, as opposed to the Religious Zionist world, where for a large part of them the faith-based outlook is mixed in beyond recognition with halakhic practice. Am I right?