Q&A: Honoring Parents
Honoring Parents
Question
Hello Rabbi,
In the case of a father who beat his children severely and frequently (a father who was himself an abused child). The parents divorced and the violence stopped. Nowadays it seems that the father understands what he did to his sons and to himself, and has repented. Is there an obligation to honor one’s father in such a situation? And how far does that obligation go? As with a normal father?
Answer
I think the obligation to honor him always exists, even if he had not changed his ways. However, in such a situation I would recommend that the son distance himself from him and not remain in contact with him, so as not to enter problematic situations. Once he has repented, I do not see why he should not honor him. Honor is not gratitude for the good he did for him, but a Torah-level obligation toward the one from whom you came. See my article on philosophical gratitude about this.
Discussion on Answer
I didn’t mean to honor him without any contact. Precisely because there is an obligation of honor, the advisable counsel is not to be there and not to find oneself in a conflict.
It reminds me of Kishon’s quip that for several years now he and his wife (= the little one) have been living in wonderful harmony—he in Metula and she in Eilat.
Honoring without being in contact is a recipe for fake honor.
For now I came across this article, and it seems to me there’s an answer there too: https://mikyab.net/%D7%9B%D7%AA%D7%91%D7%99%D7%9D/%D7%9E%D7%90%D7%9E%D7%A8%D7%99%D7%9D/%D7%9B%D7%99%D7%91%D7%95%D7%93-%D7%94%D7%95%D7%A8%D7%99%D7%9D-%D7%95%D7%98%D7%A8%D7%99%D7%98%D7%95%D7%A8%D7%99%D7%94-%D7%94%D7%9C%D7%9B%D7%AA%D7%99%D7%AA