Q&A: Testimony at a Conservative Wedding
Testimony at a Conservative Wedding
Question
Hello Rabbi,
I studied in the women’s doctoral program at the Midrasha at Bar-Ilan.
I’d like to consult with you about a problematic situation I’ve found myself in over the past few days.
I have a very, very good friend (not observant of Torah and commandments) who is getting married soon after many years of being single.
Over the years, religion never affected our friendship.
Her preference is to get married abroad with no connection to religion. But the groom insists on some connection to Judaism.
The decision they reached is to have a Conservative wedding, in which women’s testimony is accepted.
I was asked to be a witness at the wedding.
A. I don’t understand the meaning of being a witness at a Conservative wedding. Is the role identical to that at an Orthodox wedding?
B. It would be very hard for me to refuse her. I know how important my presence there is to her. And I’m afraid that if I explain the halakhic issues to her, her opinion of religion will only worsen.
C. Despite all that, I am of course looking for the halakhic answer as to whether I am permitted to participate as a witness in this wedding.
I would be very glad to hear your opinion on this matter!
Thank you again for the excellent doctoral program.
Answer
Hello S.,
Kiddushin based on the testimony of women are not valid, so in principle your serving as a witness has no significance at all. However, it does involve giving legitimacy to an act that is contrary to Jewish law (a marriage not conducted in accordance with Jewish law). Therefore I would not participate in the ceremony. Try to explain to them the limitations, and just as they want you to respect their position (which is why you are willing to attend the ceremony even though it does not fit your worldview), they should respect your position (not to serve as a witness). I do not accept the starting assumption that one must always bend toward the secular person so as not to upset him. Let him bend toward me so as not to upset me. It does not seem to me that someone who feels alienated from religion and tradition will really be influenced by such a step on your part. At most, he will entrench himself a bit more in his position, which is already that way now.
Regarding the starting assumption of bending toward the other person, many times I find that the one who bends has no faith in the rightness of his own path.
And it also only creates the impression in the other person that his way is the better one.
See also the entry on Oslo.