Q&A: Marriage for a Secular Couple
Marriage for a Secular Couple
Question
Kiddushin for a secular couple.
A somewhat complicated question. I’m trying to help someone: a secular acquaintance approached me with a complicated question. A few years ago, he and his partner decided to get married. They strongly refused to do it through formal registration with the rabbinate, but they did want a Jewish wedding “ceremony.” At the chuppah there were kiddushin with a blessing, exchange of rings (mutual…), and the statement “Behold, you are consecrated to me,” etc., but the witnesses were two secular friends of the groom. That was also true of most of the people present there (there were also, like me, a few kippah-wearers). Some of the seven blessings were recited by women. There was no accepted formal ketubah, but rather a kind of improvised agreement that they put together. In the meantime, unfortunately, they decided to separate. Again—not through the rabbinate, as mentioned, since they were anti-establishment with regard to the rabbinate. They simply separated and each went their own way. A few years have passed, and the woman is now living with another partner.
Question: were they married according to Jewish law?
My friend, the former husband, now wants to marry his current partner, but this time both of them want to do it properly through the rabbinate. What should he do? Can they register for marriage, or is there some prior step that must be taken? It’s clear to me that this is a complex question, but at this stage I’ll be the intermediary and try to guide him according to your advice. I would appreciate your advice. Thank you in advance, and best regards.
Answer
There is considerable doubt whether they were married according to Jewish law. As for the witnesses, there is a minority of halakhic decisors who accept the testimony of Sabbath desecrators even for kiddushin, but according to most opinions they are disqualified from serving as witnesses. The mutual giving of rings also invalidates the kiddushin (unless the bride gave the ring afterward in some separate manner).
As an aside, I do not completely understand the question. If they go to register with the rabbinate, I assume they will be instructed there what to do. They do not want to tell them there what happened in the past? Then the rabbinate will know nothing, and there will be nothing. Or perhaps the man became religious and now wants to do things according to Jewish law?
Discussion on Answer
But if there were religious witnesses there, then maybe it does count as kiddushin and the woman is considered betrothed, and then maybe she would have been forbidden to marry another man, and if she lived with another man then she became forbidden to the first husband. It would be best to check this with a religious court or a leading rabbi who can tell them what the Jewish law is in this situation.
First of all, thank you for the answer. They would certainly prefer not to tell what happened before, so that they won’t be prevented from registering and marrying according to Jewish law. The question, which has something of a thought of repentance in it, is a principled one: is he considered halakhically unmarried and free to marry a woman? Or does he first need to go through a divorce process (even though there was no registration and nothing was official)?
In practice, it seems they will register without referring to the history.