Q&A: Marriage Without the Rabbinate
Marriage Without the Rabbinate
Question
Hello Rabbi,
I saw the Rabbi appearing in a filmed article on the subject of weddings without the institution of the Rabbinate, and I chose to contact him to ask for help.
My name is Anonymous, and together with my partner I have decided to get married.
We set the wedding date for this coming December, and now we are finalizing the wedding arrangements.
As part of this process, we also had to address the issue of the betrothal/marriage ceremony and its religious and legal implications.
It is important to us to hold a ceremony that fits Jewish tradition. We do not strictly observe all 613 commandments, but we do want to be part of the Jewish community and to conduct ourselves according to its ceremonies and customs (full disclosure—I come from a religious family; I studied at Midrashiyat Noam and also in the hesder yeshiva in Hispin).
At the same time, we do not want to cooperate with the monopoly of the Chief Rabbinate over marriage (and divorce) in the country (Jews were married for many generations without the help of the Chief Rabbinate, including my parents, before they immigrated to Israel), and we also want to make sure that the dignity and legal status of my partner, Bar, are preserved as a result of the wedding process we will undergo.
Does the Rabbi have any recommendations/suggestions for how to conduct such a wedding ceremony?
Wishing you a favorable final sealing
Answer
Hello.
First of all, congratulations. Second, it is very important to understand that the act you are undertaking has legal implications, not only halakhic ones. I am strongly opposed to the Chief Rabbinate and its monopoly, but I am also opposed to the trend now developing of getting married without registering it (as a protest). Beyond the halakhic problems, this also creates legal problems (who is married to whom, what if one of you marries someone else and nobody knows, who inherits, and how do you get divorced if it comes to that, etc.). Therefore no legal system in the world permits or recognizes marriages that are not registered. Moreover, this is also the wrong form of protest against the Rabbinate. Here is a link to a short article I wrote on my site on this topic:
https://mikyab.net/%D7%A2%D7%9C-%D7%A2%D7%A8%D7%99%D7%9B%D7%AA-%D7%A7%D7%99%D7%93%D7%95%D7%A9%D7%99%D7%9F-%D7%A4%D7%A8%D7%98%D7%99%D7%99%D7%9D-%D7%91%D7%A6%D7%95%D7%A8%D7%94-%D7%A0%D7%9B%D7%95%D7%A0%D7%94-%D7%99%D7%95/
Not long ago I conducted a betrothal ceremony for my son’s friend, and we are now on the way to implementing the proposal I made in that article (trying to force the Rabbinate to register them as a married couple by force of the law, as I described there).
As for the ceremony itself, when you conduct it with some rabbi, you should coordinate with him what is needed and what is not essential, and come to an arrangement that suits you as well. I would only note that in my opinion the sensitivities surrounding this ceremony are completely exaggerated. In my view, this has nothing whatsoever to do with the status of women. It is not determined by who gives the ring and who circles whom. These are formal matters devoid of significance when it comes to equality and the dignity of women.
One cannot deny that the asymmetry does indeed exist, but it is expressed in the woman’s halakhic status (that the woman is divorced against her will and is forbidden to other men) and in real life, not in the form of the ceremonies. On the halakhic plane there is already some balancing (even if not complete) through the ban of Rabbenu Gershom, the prenuptial agreement, and more. In life, you will determine whether there is equality. Therefore the focus on the ceremony is foolish. The order of the ceremony has no significance whatsoever on this issue, in my opinion.
If you want, we can discuss this in greater detail in person or by phone.
All the best,
Discussion on Answer
They should go to a rabbi where they live and have him guide them.
I married my partner in a marriage outside the Rabbinate, and we are no longer together and want to divorce. How is this done, and what is the procedure?
I don’t know, because this is a legal question and not a halakhic one. Halakhically, one gets divorced according to Jewish law (except that I do not know of any institution that does this other than the Rabbinate). It is possible that the Rabbinate will arrange the divorce stringently even if the marriage was not done through them.
I suggest you contact the Mavoi Satum organization, which deals with these questions. They will certainly know more than I do.
And halakhically, how does one get divorced?
I cannot detail all the laws of divorce here. They are very complicated. But as I wrote, there is no institution that arranges divorces other than the Rabbinate. It would be worthwhile to ask Mavoi Satum or a lawyer familiar with the law and the practice how this is actually carried out. I assume there is a way to get divorced through the Rabbinate, like a common-law couple.
Hello, honorable Rabbi,
My husband and I were married for 18 years and we have five children. Our financial situation crushed us; we live in a rental, and every day is a battle.
We decided to divorce in order to receive help from the state, because as is known, in this country a married couple does not meet the criteria anywhere that can help. We divorced through the Rabbinate, but in practice we did not separate אפילו not for one day. From a halakhic standpoint we are living in prohibition.
And I want to marry him without the Rabbinate,
because as far as I am concerned the Rabbinate is an institution that, aside from emptying your pockets, has nothing in it.
I would be happy if you could guide me.
Hello, my sister had a civil marriage abroad and they are registered as married in the Interior Ministry. They are not willing to marry through the Rabbinate, but are willing to consider carrying out the betrothal ceremony without a rabbi. How is this done?
Hello Yamit. Contact the organization “Mavoi Satum” (details online). They organize and provide guidance for all this.
Congratulations.
My partner and I are interested in a betrothal ceremony without the Rabbinate. Would you be willing to marry us?
I do not deal with this. There is Mavoi Satum and “Chuppot.” Congratulations and best of luck.
Please. A friend got married without the Rabbinate. Today they are separated; he has been living in New York for a year. The woman doesn’t want him and he also doesn’t want her. They both want to get divorced immediately and don’t know how. My brother is in New York and she is in Israel. Is there a rabbi in New York who can help with a get? This is a matter of life and death because of the problem of a married woman, etc. Please, is there a solution?