Q&A: A Crisis of Faith Due to Prayers That Go Unanswered
A Crisis of Faith Due to Prayers That Go Unanswered
Question
Hello Rabbi,
I am 33 years old, single, and have been trying for many years to get married, without success.
All the attempts to succeed in this area have included practical efforts like dates, as well as treatments/coaching/counseling, on which I have spent a great deal of money, and on the other hand also spiritual efforts like Torah study, observance of the commandments, and of course prayer—lots of it.
Because of the many years without deliverance, the loneliness, and also the COVID crisis that brought with it distance from synagogues, my level of religious devotion has dropped very sharply.
I think I am no longer a believer.
And I will explain:
I think I am a person who cannot manage with faith. I want to “know” things, not believe in them.
Faith, in my eyes, is something intangible, distant, and full of major doubts, something that constantly needs to be reinforced with nice words in order to keep it alive.
Knowledge is something absolute; it does not need to be reinforced because it is an existing and established fact, no matter what.
Our religion is a religion in which the faith component is the only option. (I do not see any other possibility, though perhaps there is one?)
And I am unable to be a believing person.
This is expressed in the fact that when I pray for years and see that the deliverance does not come, I grow distant from religion. In other words, my level of devotion is dynamic and not static. When I see that the deliverance does not come, I begin to wonder: maybe God does not care about me, and that spills over into other areas. I am basically noticing that prayer in general does not work. That is, even if I pray continuously my whole life for something specific, it will never happen. No matter how much intention I had. No matter how many commandments I keep, etc. And from there everything collapses like a house of cards. I have completely drifted away. Looking back, I cannot remember even one case in which I prayed for something and it came true.
When I also look at my surroundings, I see very many disasters—especially among believing people (the Meron disaster, for example). Seemingly, these people persevered and worked hard all their lives to serve God, and this is how He repaid them…. You could say that the eternal question of “the righteous person who suffers” lies at the root of my question, all the more so.
When I look at other people in my situation (religious singles), I almost always see that their level of religiosity does not change. It seems that the circumstances of life do not affect them. Even if they remain single for many years and pray about it incessantly, they continue to remain at their high religious level and nothing moves them from it. They do not connect prayer with receiving something in return, whereas I do.
And yes, I am looking to receive something in return. Also because I think that if I made an effort, then I deserve something in return (a give-and-take relationship), and also because I perceive religious life as something very difficult. The commandments are hard for me, prayers are hard for me, and so is the effort involved in concentrating on every word. It is hard for me to give up pleasures I am supposed to give up because it bothers someone up there. Mainly, I think that most of the answers I receive on various matters in Jewish law are always strained and unsatisfying. Almost always there is the default answer that “we do not understand the calculations of Heaven.” That answer is not acceptable to me at all. I reject it with disgust.
And I ask: why is it like this? I think I am simply the kind of person for whom faith is a concept that does not fit. I have to know things only through signs and proof before they are engraved on my heart (or rather, my mind).
If faith means choosing blindly, then I am not capable of it.
On the other hand, I also see many beautiful things in Judaism.
I love the innocence of the children and of the girls. I love the quiet that the Sabbath brings with it.
I love the good character traits that religion speaks about.
I ask: what does one do from here on? Am I destined always to “strengthen” myself even if I am not truly capable of believing? Will I forever live at a fluctuating religious level rather than a steady one?
Thank you, and sorry for the length.
Answer
There are many assumptions in what you wrote that I do not agree with. In my view, faith is synonymous with knowledge. Contrary to the common assumption that faith is something else (above reason, arbitrary, blind, uncertain, and the like). We cannot prove our basic assumptions, and they are based on faith (= intuition). On the other hand, one should not expect certainty in any field, and of course not in faith either. There is common sense and probability, in all areas of life and in faith as well.
I also do not accept that the Holy One, blessed be He, is involved in the world, at least not in recent generations. Therefore I do not expect different results (deliverances) if I pray or keep the commandments. In order to achieve results, you need to make your own efforts. Not as a commandment of effort, as is customary in our circles (that is nonsense without any basis), but as an action that actually brings about the result.
To find a match, you need to act through the accepted channels and not expect results from prayer, miracles, or various deliverances. You have to search and ask around, get help from friends and relevant websites, and of course behave reasonably on the dates themselves (to trust, to try seriously, not to despair, and so on). Other methods usually do not work. Therefore one should also not be disappointed that such results do not come.
If you would like to see a bit more of my view on the matter, you can look for example here:
https://mikyab.net/%D7%9B%D7%AA%D7%91%D7%99%D7%9D/%D7%9E%D7%90%D7%9E%D7%A8%D7%99%D7%9D/%D7%97%D7%99%D7%A4%D7%95%D7%A9-%D7%90%D7%97%D7%A8-%D7%90%D7%9C%D7%95%D7%94%D7%99%D7%9D-%D7%91%D7%A2%D7%95%D7%9C%D7%9D
And in greater detail, in the second book of my trilogy.
Very best of luck.
Discussion on Answer
With God’s help, Purim in unwalled cities, 5782
To Lamed-Alef—greetings,
“Knowledge” is not entirely an “absolute thing.” Quite often, a fact is known to a person, yet this “knowledge” dissipates because the person does not internalize it in his heart.
So for example in the Scroll of Esther, there is a man who is aware of his meteoric success in life. He recognizes “the glory of his wealth and his many sons,” he recognizes the fact that he is effectively the ruler of a great empire, and yet “all this is worth nothing to him” because one single man out of tens of millions does not honor him.
Therefore, a person is commanded not only “And know this day,” but also and especially “and take it to your heart”—to reflect on the greatness of the Creator, on His immense wisdom revealed in each and every detail of the laws of nature; on the Creator’s kindness toward His creatures, to whom He granted understanding and the ability to complete and improve the world, and to whom He bequeathed a Torah that directs them toward moral elevation.
Alongside recognizing the greatness of his Creator, a person recognizes the complexity of his own existence. On the one hand, he has tremendous talents and abilities, and on the other hand he has quite a few flaws and failings crying out for repair and improvement. This awareness brings a person to the understanding that what he has is not self-evident, and therefore he must be full of gratitude to his Creator and strive to be better and more worthy, so that he may “repay” even a little of the abundant kindnesses bestowed upon him by his Creator.
This double awareness—the recognition of the great goodness of his Creator and the aspiration to become more and more worthy—is sharpened and deepened during prayer, so that the person after the prayer will be better than he was before it. In this way, a person builds and shapes his personality and deepens his connection with his Creator.
***
So too, the building and stability of the bond between husband and wife depends on that same character trait: the ability to appreciate the wonderful qualities of one’s spouse, and from that to aspire to honor them, to do good for them, and to be bound to them with an unbreakable bond.
A successful date parallels the work of prayer: reflecting on the virtue of the other person, cultivating attentiveness to them and the desire to do good for them—these are what create the bond, and these are what deepen and “strengthen” it.
With blessings, Elieam Fishel Vorkheim
As I mentioned above, prayer is the development and strengthening of awareness of the greatness of the Creator and of a person’s duty to be grateful to Him with all his might, and the more this awareness is strengthened and intensified through prayer, the greater the chance that it will be favorably received.
Therefore, perhaps there is an advantage to a person’s praying for his fellow, in that he leaves his concentration on himself (egocentricity, in the secular language) and opens his heart to the needs and virtues of his fellow—and then the one praying himself becomes a vessel worthy of blessing and deliverance.
May it be His will that the following be fulfilled in you: “Uncover my eyes, that I may behold wonders,” and may your prayers be favorably accepted soon!
With blessings, Afo”r
Abraham and Sarah too were remembered after Abraham prayed for Avimelech. And so it is said of Job: “And the Lord restored Job’s fortunes when he prayed for his friend.” And thus Israel was saved from Haman’s decree when they fasted and prayed for Esther’s deliverance, fulfilling: “And fast for me; neither eat nor drink for three days, night or day.”
Prayers do not solve problems of physical appearance or emotional and interpersonal problems.